Archive | January, 2011

Going out

30 Jan

Went out to the city last night with another couple. I noticed that our thin female friend picked at her food with her fork, but never actually ate anything. I asked her about it and she said that she is lookign to shed a 3 kg’s and didn’t think that pancakes would help her do that.

I had just eaten a full plate of pancakes and cream and icecream and drank 1/3 of an iced chocolate and 1/2 an iced tea.

How crappy did I feel?

But then I thought, if I knew that I only had to lose 3kg to get to my goal weight, would I not do it in a flash any possible way that I could? Would my skinny friend think differently if she had to lose 60kg to get to a healthy weight?


I know that I got myself here. I know that I made my body 120kg. I acknowledge my responsibility totally and completely. But somehow I wish to let all of the skinny people out there know, that losing 60kg is not the same as losing winter or holiday weight; which translates into 1 to 4kg. It is a totally different issue. Stop pretending that weight loss is weight loss, because it clearly isn’t.

I envy you, skinny friend. I envy your commitment to 3kg. Oh wait, I can lose that in a day.

Take note of my envy, because today it is making me sick.


And then what?

29 Jan

I may have written about this earlier, but it kind of just hit me yesterday that there are many people around me who get excited when really fat people lose lots and lots of weight. And then they get disappointed when they put it all back on again.

When I hear that a forever fatty (its what I call myself: as opposed to being an adult fatty only for example) has lost lots of weight, I know that it is only a matter of time before it comes back on again. For, it is called losing weight, which much more often than not ends up being found (and then some).

I know what its like to be a forever fatty embarking on a new weight loss regime. Every kg lost excites me. I imagine myself all svelte and dressed to the nines. But in the past it never occurred to me what happend what I lose weight. It never occured to me to realise that there is more to it than just losing weight. I can say with all honesty that the only weight I have maintained successfully are that of being 96kg that I maintained for a very long time and my present 120kg. I have never ever maintained a healthy weight.

It never occured to me that I needed to maintain a healthy weight. Ever. I just thought about losing. I would lose and get to a comfortable size, and then start eating again, because I was slim! How stupid? Really? How stupid to think that I was like the majority of civilisation who can eat normally and maintain their current healthy weight?

Well I have woken up people. I either have to keep dieting for the rest of my life and be miserable or I continue to be fat and miserable.

Or I put my faith in lapband.

Maybe I can lose the weight, continue to maintain my weightloss and live a relatively full life? Maybe?


27 Jan

Wish I had a switch to turn on and off when it comes to food. I enjoy food generally, but when it is food that is eaten out of stress or anger, it taste vile. I hate eating all of the time. I feel hungry all of the time. My tummy rumbles always. My stomach is like a bottomless pit.

I had breaky this morning (2 light rye toast with weight watchers margarine and coffee with skim and no sugar: my fave breaky in the world!) and about 10 minutes later my stomach was rumbling. So I drank some water, but it wouldn’t go away. I busied myself doing other things, but the rumbling remained! So I had a can of tuna. It seemed to work for about half an hour, and then I was in search of other things to eat. I had a low fat bar. I had some chips (!). I had a diet coke. I had some leftover rice. I am craving steak. I had an iceblock. I had some of the dinner that I prepared early today (my hunger speaks to me!). I had a head of iceberg lettuce (really!).

Its insane. its 4:40pm and I don’t feel full. What is the deal with that? Is my tomach that stretched? What have I done to myself?

I have been fat since I was a young child. The stretching of my stomach started a looooooooooooong time ago.

Yesterday we were having a barbie, and I looked at all of the food. I could have easily eaten 4 burgers, 3 sausages, a steak and the salads. And I remember thinking exactly this. Instead I had 1 burger and walked away. I wanted to see if if would register that I had eaten. But I was still feeling very very hungry after about 20 minutes. So I came back to the table and had a helping of some beef cubes and veges. I drank nearly a litre of liquid (coke zero, ice tea, water). And I was still hungry.

About an hr after lunch I was seriously still hungry. I had watermelon and grapes. And then I had a bowl of ice cubes (yes, ice cubes). I was thirsty but I had already had so much to drink (more than just what I had with lunch). I could hear the liquids swishing in my tummy. Very weird feeling.

I also had some fudge. Came home and had 2 plums. And went to sleep hungry.


‘FOR’ the lapband

20 Jan
  1. I will lose weight
  2. I will gain back control of my eating and my life
  3. I will gain self-respect
  4. i will be able to play with the kids on the floor
  5. i will be able to take them walking to the park andmaybe even get on the pay equipment with them
  6. i will stop being in physical pain
  7. my back issues will go away
  8. i could wear high heels
  9. i wouldn’t have to wear layers of clothes to hold everything in
  10. I would not sweat so much
  11. i will be able to hold my babies on my hips and waist.
  12. I will be able to sit my baby on my lap without making her do the splits!
  13. i could sit on the floor
  14. and in arm chairs
  15. i could do cartwheels
  16. i wouldn’t be stared at
  17. my flesh won’t rub against itself
  18. i could walk around naked (after showering!) and not feel like i need another shower because my tummy fat rubs against my thighs and i get all sweaty again! Or my arms rub against my sides and it even hurts!
  19. i could have small boobs
  20. i could lay on my back
  21. i could lay on my tummy and not feel like I am trying to squash a mountain (my tummy)
  22. i could feel feminine
  23. i could have lunch and dinner parties all of the time because I would have more energy and be able to stand for hours on end making delicious dishes for everyone
  24. being able to eat in front of others
  25. riding a bike
  26. go skydiving
  27. go scuba diving
  28. go hiking
  29. go horseback riding
  31. travel and not freak out about plane seats

I could sit here all night typing about the things that could come as the result of the surgery. Sure I can lose the weight many other ways. I have done so before. But the hope that the band gives me is maybe I can keep the weight off for longer that a second? MAYBE? It just freaks me to see so many stories out there of the people who have their band removed a few years down the track due to complications and then they have to try maintaining on their own. What did they succeed? Losing weight? I could, and did, do it with weight watchers.

Is there any guarantee that the band will help me keep off the weight FOREVER?


Things I hate about being fat

20 Jan
  1. Grocery shopping is a nightmare. I can barely make it to the last aisle, sometimes I even skip a few aisles. My back and feet start to ache before I have finished the full grocery shopping list.
  2. I miscalculate the size of my arse, making me hit my side into things. Sometimes I will bend over to pick something up, and I will smack my butt into something. Sometimes its people! Very embarrassing
  3. My aches and pains. All over my body in weird places.
  4. I feel really lethargic and heavy. Its an effort to do every single thing.
  5. I can’t carry my baby to the front of my body because my fat stomach gets in the way.
  6. I don’t just step out of my car, I ind of slide to the edge and propel myself forwards with the weight of my legs.
  7. I can’t walk up hill
  8. I sweat
  9. I am out of breath from the smallest of movements
  10. I finish my deodorant sprays way too quickly
  11. I can’t wear high heels (or any heel for that matter)
  12. my feet are wide and look like elephants feet
  13. I feel hungry all of the time even though I barely let a few minutes pass without eating something
  14. I have headaches
  15. I can’t sleep on my back because my fat tummy oushes up my big boobies onto my neck making me feel like I’m choaking
  16. I no longer take the kids to the park because its too much effort
  17. I no longer take the kids to feed the ducks down at the river because its too much effort
  18. when i sit down i look like a fucking round ball; literally
  19. i get sores on my body where my clothes rub on me (thighs, tummy)

Its not about the way that I look anymore. Its more about the way I feel. Sure it wil be a bonus to be able to wear what I want, but there are so many more problems associated with being fat. While I understand that there are people out there who live their lives to their fullest even while being fat, I can’t say that I do. Maybe my body just can’t handle being 120kg. I had problems even when I weighed 98kg. I felt so bad back then. I don’t know how I let myself get here!!


It was while i was pregnant. I started off being 97kg. Before I knew it I was in my 9th month and nothing fit me anymore. Not one single outfit fit me. Out of no where. I ate all day long. I ate everything. We were renovating at the time so we ate out nearly every single day. I could no longer stand to cook. My body ached.

But then I had the baby. I weighed myself the day I left to the hospital to give birth (126kg) and the day that I got home from the hospital (124kg). I don’t know how this could be possible considering I had a baby that weight 3.5kg. It could be that I gained weight the 5 days I was in hospital. Maybe I had fluid retention. Whatever. The fact remains that I still weight 120kg! In 2 years I have y0-yo’d between 124kg and 116kg. WIth a whole lot of effort I might add.


Things that freak me out about the Lapband

20 Jan
  1. That I will die on the operating table
  2. that I will die after surgery due to complications
  3. that I will have complications
  4. not being able to drink diet coke anymore
  5. not being able to eat certain foods ever again
  6. getting stuck in public
  7. PB’ing or vomiting in public
  8. ending up woth band complications a few years after surgery and having to remove the band after weight loss
  9. not losing weight
  10. sabotaging myself
  11. realising that the band only restricts me from eating fruit and vegies but still allowing me to eat junk like chips and chocolates
  12. the idea that I stil have to control myself from eating junk food
  13. failing the lapband, wasting all of that money
  14. continuing to have problems even after 13 above
  15. getting depression again even when I have lost weight, because the band doesn’t allow me to enjoy myself with food
  16. admitting that even with the band, I will forever be a fatty
  17. losign weight but then being face with copious amounts of very lose, floppy skin
  18. convincing myself after weightloss that I need cosmetic surgery (even though I have always said NEVER!)
  19. having cosmetic surgery and then dying of complications
  20. my husband having to tell my kids I died because I was having weight loss surgery
  21. my husband having to tell my kids I died because I was having cosmetic surgery related to weight loss surgery

Mostly, my fear is that I die.


16 Jan