Archive | January, 2011

Heels

16 Jan

Why does my but stick out more than it already does when I wear heels?

Why do the balls of my feet ache after 2 seconds in heels?

Why do my feet look tiny in comparison to my legs when I am in heels?

Why do my legs look massive in comparison to my feet when I am in heels?

Why do I sweat ALL. OF. THE. TIME?

Why has shopping become a fucking job?

Because, people, I am fat.

That is why.

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Things always look better on the coat hanger

13 Jan

I dream of the day when I can correctly predict what an outfit will look like on me. What my body is in my mind, is not what my body actually looks like. I am completely delusional.

In other news, I’m still fat.

heh

I have been trying to eat as if I actually have the band. But after scoffing down dinner in a  matter of seconds, I realised that the band would definitely force me to eat slower and less.

Maybe that is what I have been missing all of these years; something that will force me to eat better.

Today I realised that without the band, I really don’t have much hope in the way of weight loss. I forget too easily.

In other other news

I saw a fat girl today. She must have been in her  mid-20’s. She was gorgeous. Her curves were unbelievably lovely. She seemed to fill out all the right spot

The way I felt about looking at this girl proved to me that I don’t hate fat bodies. I use the word fat here without any negative connotation whatsoever. This girl was GORGEOUS (no I am not a lesbian). She was hot.

My fat just fills out in all of the wrong places, I guess. Rounded tummies are nice, unless they hang down to your thighs like mine does. Rounded upper arms are truly scrumptious, unless they hang like wings, like mine do.

121.1kg

9 Jan

Woke up starving

old and fat

9 Jan

I saw a lady into her 70’s trying to squeeze her well-endowed backside into a plastic lawn chair. The legs of the chair bent under her weight, and it rocked a little. She kept wriggling around trying to get comfortable. She had nowhere to lay her arms except on her very big belly. She was sweating and looked extremely uncomfortable.

I don’t want to be 70 and still praying to God to not let a chair break beneath me.

I don’t want to be old and fat. I don’t want to be sweating when the weather is cool.

Instead, I want to sit on a plastic lawn chair with my legs crossed, like many women who don’t happen to be morbidly obese. I don’t want to have to think twice about sitting on a chair for fear of it breaking. I don’t want to lay my arms onto my belly grasping onto my hands for dear life.  Instead, I want to clasp my hands together and let my elbows fall onto my knees elegantly. I want to be able to lean over in my chair and not fear that it will topple over with me. I want to be able to lean back in my chair and not fear it will break in half.

It’s just a chair and this is just a body. 2 very simple things. A body and a chair.

30 and fat. I cannot fathom another 40 years in this body. This body is not mine. This body was never meant for me. I don’t know how I have gone on within this body for 30 years; to have 40 more would be pure hell.

Oh dear

9 Jan

1980: born weighing 3.5kg

1989 age 9: 49kg and told by doc: too fat, stop eating (true)

1991 age 11: 71kg (had to be weighed for a surgery and mortified when the nurses had to get the scales from the adult section because the children’s seated scales didn’t go that high).

So in 2 years I went up quite a bit in weight. I started my period at 9, but those around me really didn’t stop to think that I was gaining weight due to puberty. I was ridiculed often by my siblings and told to stop eating by my parents. My younger sibling would be given a treat and I would be told that I can’t have one because I didn’t need to put on more weight.

1992-1993: Gained more weight. Suffered teenage depression silently. Would often wish to not wake up in the mornings. Spent most my time sneaking food and reading. Fantasised about suicide. Made loads of enemies at school. Had to wear boys clothes because there was no such thing as sizes greater than a size 12 in the kids clothing sections (and women’s clothes were horrendous in sizes 16 and up). A very depressing time for me.

1994: starved myself and exercised during the night. Lost a considerable amount of weight in a short time (although I never weighed myself). Got told often how much prettier I looked. This hurt me. Started eating again.

1995-1996: weighed about 80kg

1998: 76kg down to 68kg in a few weeks (fell in-love with now husband!). Then got comfy and gained loads of weight.

2000-2003: 98kg (got married in 2001 at 96kg)

Spent the first 2 years at uni starving myself then bingeing. Also took Duromine and Xenical with little to no weightloss but lots of time in the loo and NOT sleeping.

May 2003: fell preggers and ate all. of. the. time. Food of choice? DONUTS. Midwife stopped weighing me when my weight got to 114kg in my 8th month.

2004: had first child and weighed 104kg right after birth

2006: joined weight watchers and lost about 12kg lowest weight 87kg

2006-2008: on and off weight watchers

2007: got back up to 97kg and fell pregnant.

2008: post-pregnancy weight 126kg. Ate all.of.the.time during pregnancy. Food of choice? DONUTS AGAIN

2009: joined weight watchers for the last time and lost 4kg in 10 weeks. Up and down in weight. Losing then gaining the same 4kg. Joining then leaving then re-joining weight watchers for a long while, wasting loads of money.

August 2010 weight 124kg: ditched weight watchers and decided to try things on my own. Worked out with hubby in the evenings and used the treadmill. Started shakes and starving myself then bingeing. I lost about 7kg.

October 2010: gained the 7kg back in 2 weeks.

January 2011: weight between 120 and 124kg. Currently 122.3kg

damn it.

Food and being alone

8 Jan

The moment I am alone, the first thing that I want to do is eat. Straight away, I want to just shove as much food in my mouth as I can for as long as I can.

Its absolutely crazy. Its as if I will never be able to eat again.

But I have always been an ‘alone’ eater. It may go back to being a kid (doesn’t everything?). Junk food was always put away in a cupboard under lock and key (literally). I used to wait for my parents to go out to dig the key out from its hiding place (I was so clever) and attempt to eat things that my mum wouldn’t know was missing.

I would also purchase junk food at school and eat it on my walk home or hide for later when I would sneak bits of it when I pretended to do my homsework.

And I suppose I have kept the habit. Its stupid really because I am an adult in my own home and I am home alone a hell of a lot. I can eat what I want when I want. But if hubby leaves after coming home from work or if he steps out on the weekends, i am stuffing food in my face.

I dont get it. I don’t understand it.

I have always held back from eating in front of the hubby. it is rare that he comments about my eating habits, but when he does it really hurts.

So why do I do it?

I knew hubby was going out tonight.  I told myself that I didn’t need to binge. I didn’t feel like I needed to. But something in my head kept telling me that I knew that I would anyway. I told myself I would blog or sort the forever lost paper war. But the moment hubby closed the front door, I lunged for the pantry. I gave the kids cheese balls (I hate myself for this) and I had some chips of my own, the whole time knowing that I didn’t feel like eating. I had 2 choc-chip biscuits, a piece of chocolate, some nuts and some crackers.

It was a quarter binge. I could have gone on but I chose not to. This is a step forward for me. I could have eaten so much more.

Later I had a mini iceblock.

I am upset with myself because my children saw this. I am telling them that it is ok to eat junk food. And I fear that this damage I have done to them is irreversible. It frightens me like nothing else.

Things I look forward to

8 Jan
  • Cut and paint my own toenails (instead of havign to get pedicures)
  • Fit comfortably in a plane seat
  • sky dive
  • cartwheel and handstand again
  • walk anywhere without thinking twice about
  • enter into a room not feeling embarrassed and self-conscious
  • be proud to stand next to my tall and slim hubby
  • be carried by hubby!
  • scuba dive
  • sit my kids on my lap
  • dance
  • jump and skip
  • eat in public
  • not be told that I am fat (no shit sherlock)
  • do the housework all in one go instead of in batches because I can’t stand for too long
  • have a family portrait
  • get waxed!!
  • see my bits and pieces without havign to lift my fat
  • smaller and more fashionable clothing
  • to wear rings and bracelets
  • to wear heels!
  • to wear strappy shoes
  • to sit on the floor
  • to cross my legs
  • to not look like a ball when I am sitting in a chair
  • to sit in a chair and not have my sides spill over
  • to not break anymore chairs
  • to not feel nervous everytime i have to sit in a chair!
  • to apply for jobs
  • APPLY FOR JOBS and not freak out about the interviewers seeing me for the first time and straight away making up their mind that I am too fat for the job!
  • to be able to find a suit for interviews!
  • to fit in the lecture chairs at uni and not have to use my tummy as the table
  • to not feel my breasts choaking me when I sleep
  • to not have a double (triple) chin
  • to feel elegant and feminine
  • to finally begin living
  • to not have my thoughts and life revolve around food
  • to actually enjoy my food
  • to not be embarrassed by myself all of the time
  • to be a good roll model for my kids
  • to be offered food in gatherings  instead of people thinking they are doing me a favour by not offering me anythign to eat because I am so farking fat
  • to wear sexy lingerie
  • to stop wearing singlets
  • to not have my body shake and flap
  • to stand on my head (I used to love doing this!)
  • to do yoga
  • to holiday more
  • to play with the kids on the floor
  • to run with the kids
  • to go hiking
  • to have another baby

The list goes on. I think i will add more as I think of them because this is what will keep me going.

I can’t believe this list. i am not living my life, i am merely existing.