Archive | March, 2011

Body modification and control

29 Mar

I just came across a Youtuber who documents her journey through body modification. She has had many things done, but the tongue splitting completely shocked me.

But I came to discover a few things. First of all, those of use with ‘issues’ will attempt to control a part of our physical self in a way that no one else has control over. Let me explain.

As a younger person, I had no control over anything. I was told to think, speak and feel a certain way. I was told how to dress and do my hair. I was told what to eat, how much to eat and when to eat. And because those people around me didn’t want me to eat a lot because I was already fat, I decided to take control of that one thing that I could. You see, starving myself and losing weight only made those around me happy. They loved to see me thinner and not eating. They commented about it when I tried starving myseld once. It made them so bloody happy. And that made me so very angry.

So I decided to make them angry. They hated me being fat and they hated me to eat. So subconsciously, I decided to eat as much as I possibly could, but in secret. I pretended not to eat around others, but in private, I enhaled food.

It is the one thing I could control. And it is the one thing that made others angry. And I wanted to make others angry.

These thoughts are a breakthrough for me. But I also realised that not much has changed. I am 30 but I still secretly eat because it makes my family angry. But I have only hurt myself. I am the one that suffers.

So not unlike the girl who had her tongue split because it makes her family upset. its why she gets tattoos. Its why she has cosmetic surgery. its why she stretches her ears. Its how she shows control over her physical being. It is her drug, just like food is mine.

How do I stop this? I do I end this all? How do I own these issues and then move on from them?

How do I take control of my health once and for all? Is it even possible?

120.1kg

28 Mar

Still here, still fat.

 

There are days when I don’t actually feel fat. I feel light on my feet. And then I see my reflection in a window or mirror and it seems that I am still fat. No real surprises there.

So, have I actively done anything to change this? No. Not really. I contemplate exercising a hell of a lot. I contemplate actually attempting to really lose the weight. But I continue to eat way after my stomach tells me stop. And I continue to drink and drink and drink iced tea or water or diet coke until I feel like I will explode.

But I have found that the moment I tell myself that I can eat what I want when I want, I tend to not eat as much. The choccies will be there tomorrow as will the chips. But its not helping me lose weight. Its obivous I need to get moving.

But I just can’t be bothered. No silly excuses here.

Still wanting to do the lapband. But I freak myself out thinking that it will never work for me if I don’t get off my butt and move! It will help me eat less but that is all!

I have an app on my iPhone for entering my food intake. It works out the calories after I enter how much I would like to lose a week and how much movement I do. Its an excellent app, but I am not so good at keeping it up. I missed a whole week and toay when I remember I couldn’t be bothered adding todays food intake.

Lazy  much?

It is only a matter of time before I stop comteplating and actually get into action. This has been the longest comtemplation phaze I have ever been in.

Only a matter of time.

Right now I have some onion rings to tuck into. Maye tomorrow?