Body modification and control

29 Mar

I just came across a Youtuber who documents her journey through body modification. She has had many things done, but the tongue splitting completely shocked me.

But I came to discover a few things. First of all, those of use with ‘issues’ will attempt to control a part of our physical self in a way that no one else has control over. Let me explain.

As a younger person, I had no control over anything. I was told to think, speak and feel a certain way. I was told how to dress and do my hair. I was told what to eat, how much to eat and when to eat. And because those people around me didn’t want me to eat a lot because I was already fat, I decided to take control of that one thing that I could. You see, starving myself and losing weight only made those around me happy. They loved to see me thinner and not eating. They commented about it when I tried starving myseld once. It made them so bloody happy. And that made me so very angry.

So I decided to make them angry. They hated me being fat and they hated me to eat. So subconsciously, I decided to eat as much as I possibly could, but in secret. I pretended not to eat around others, but in private, I enhaled food.

It is the one thing I could control. And it is the one thing that made others angry. And I wanted to make others angry.

These thoughts are a breakthrough for me. But I also realised that not much has changed. I am 30 but I still secretly eat because it makes my family angry. But I have only hurt myself. I am the one that suffers.

So not unlike the girl who had her tongue split because it makes her family upset. its why she gets tattoos. Its why she has cosmetic surgery. its why she stretches her ears. Its how she shows control over her physical being. It is her drug, just like food is mine.

How do I stop this? I do I end this all? How do I own these issues and then move on from them?

How do I take control of my health once and for all? Is it even possible?

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