Archive | April, 2011

How being fat holds me back

18 Apr

Being fat holds me back from my life all of the time. I can see it. I can feel it. I know it. But why don’t I take ownership of it and fix it?

What is the deal?

One word that my mind spits at me throughout the day is LAZY. It is how I refer to myself to myself. Am I fat because I am lazy or am I lazy because I am fat? Is my pain an excuse or am I in pain because I am fat?

How did I get here? Why was my body prone to being fat instead of something else?

Sometimes I wish it were cancer my body were battling instead of the fat. How warped is that? How lazy of me to not want to do anything to lose weight but I would be happier battling cancer? How fucked up is that?

I feel so down tonight. I was eating dinner earlier and I saw my reflection in the window. And I was disgusted by what I saw. Is that how I look when I eat in public? yuk. My ass was taking up the next room. My stomach potruded to my knees.

And I continued to eat. I continued to shovel the spaghetti into my mouth. I continued to pick out the fetta cheese and raw mushroom from the salad. I don’t remember the taste of the actual meal, just my feelings as I ate. I hated myself so very much in that moment. I hated the sight of me. I hated every inch of my body. Every inch of my mind; a mind that just can’t get itself together.

In a way, I wish I could eat myself to death. Its just taking a bloody long time.

And so I realise that I eat to punish myself. I get fatter. And I want to punish myself more. So I eat more. Its a fucked up cycle. Its a fucked up way of thinking.

Its all just so fucking fucked up.

I’m so fucking articulate.

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Confused

18 Apr

I am thinking about going with another Doctor from another surgery for lapband. The Doc I was originally planning on seeing no longer does the band surgery. I have been wuite upset about this but decided today to look for someone else. I am getting positive feedback from another patient with this new surgery, and I am confident again.

Seriously? I just can’t wait to have the band already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shopping

7 Apr

I am addicted. I wonder, if I were thinner would it be worse or would I be free from trying to make myself look better?

I love clothes. I love fashion. But I often wonder if my shopping obsession/addiction is due to my size and how I view myself. Do I think my body will look thinner if I wear the right clothes? Will that perfect jacket really make me happier and make me look better?

 

Physically uncomfortable

6 Apr

My weight is causing me so many issues as of late. I have always been aware of how my weight affects me physically, but recently it has gotten much worse. The souls of my feet ache all of the time now. I feel so heavy.

I can’t wait until I have the band in. That is the truth. I can’t wait to start losing weight. I can’t wait to feel lighter and healthier. I can’t wait until my feet stop hurting.

Today, I know for sure that the lapband is going to happen. I was always questioning before. But now? I will try anything. And if it doesn’t work, whatever. I’ll deal with it then. But I am going to give it my best shot, that’s for sure.

I wanna be a billionaire so freakin’ bad

4 Apr

I would have my own cook and personal trainer. I would never have to grocery shop again. I would never have to cook or clean or do the washing or ironing.

I could simply concentrate on myself and my family. I would colour with my kids. I would sew. I would go for walks and go play in the park.

I would donate to the needy. I would travel the world.

I would write in one journal after another. I would take photo’s.

Being a billionaire will mean time. My time. My family’s time. And not feeling guilty about doing things for me, because there would be someone else doing the chores!!!!