How being fat holds me back

18 Apr

Being fat holds me back from my life all of the time. I can see it. I can feel it. I know it. But why don’t I take ownership of it and fix it?

What is the deal?

One word that my mind spits at me throughout the day is LAZY. It is how I refer to myself to myself. Am I fat because I am lazy or am I lazy because I am fat? Is my pain an excuse or am I in pain because I am fat?

How did I get here? Why was my body prone to being fat instead of something else?

Sometimes I wish it were cancer my body were battling instead of the fat. How warped is that? How lazy of me to not want to do anything to lose weight but I would be happier battling cancer? How fucked up is that?

I feel so down tonight. I was eating dinner earlier and I saw my reflection in the window. And I was disgusted by what I saw. Is that how I look when I eat in public? yuk. My ass was taking up the next room. My stomach potruded to my knees.

And I continued to eat. I continued to shovel the spaghetti into my mouth. I continued to pick out the fetta cheese and raw mushroom from the salad. I don’t remember the taste of the actual meal, just my feelings as I ate. I hated myself so very much in that moment. I hated the sight of me. I hated every inch of my body. Every inch of my mind; a mind that just can’t get itself together.

In a way, I wish I could eat myself to death. Its just taking a bloody long time.

And so I realise that I eat to punish myself. I get fatter. And I want to punish myself more. So I eat more. Its a fucked up cycle. Its a fucked up way of thinking.

Its all just so fucking fucked up.

I’m so fucking articulate.

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