Archive | October, 2011

The final countdown

31 Oct

Today I made my appointments for bloods and x-ray and my final appointment before the surgery with the specialist and anaesthetic doc. I am so excited, I can barely contain myself. The one thing I am most looking forward to? Aeroplane seats and fitting into one! Not spilling over the edges.

I can’t tell you how much I love flying. I can’t tell you how much I hated our last holiday because of the uncomfortable flight! It was shit!

I look forward to painting my own toe nails.

I look forward to no more back pain.

These are the things I look forward to the most!

I want to start sharing photo’s. Does anyone read? Is there anybody out there?

Hello?

No?

 

 

Oh well.

Nearly there

15 Oct

Time really has moved quickly. It is nearly summer again, nearly a whole year since I started this blog and titled it ‘A Year to Band’.

 

I will be getting the band. I am still receiving much negativity about my decision from family, but I am learning to listen to their fears and unnecessary comments without letting it really get to me.

I am willing to give the band a go. While the sleeve seems like a better option, it is not something I can do right at this time. I prefer something that is totally reversible; what if something else was discovered to assist with weightloss? I’d feel pretty cheated if I had already cut away my stomach!

I am worried that I may cheat the band. I can’t even stick to a liquid diet. But something keeps telling me to live it up while I can, because soon I will have no other choice but to stick to a liquid diet.

I need to get though the next couple of months without causing too much damage to myself! I would love to drop some weight though. It was discovered that I have a fracture on my spine. And nothing can be done for it at all right now before I lose some weight. I’m in quite a bit of pain too. So I need to drop some weight. So why can’t I just do it?

I have attempted to. I have tried starving and just drinking shakes. I need to excerise and eat well, but my pain stops me from moving very much at all. Swimming even hurts. So I need to cut out food as a way to lose the weight right now. But I am failing miserably. I am working from home so I spend a lot of time sitting at the computer. I used to walk a lot, even at my high weight. So that has impacted my body.

I haven’t weighed myself in months. That scares me, because in the past it was when¬† I gained the most. I plan on weighing myself today, but I am so scared. I know that a high number will ruin me. I am scared that I weigh¬† more than 126kg these days. SCARED.

When I used to weigh 85kg years ago, I honestly believed that I would kill myself if I ever got over 100kg. The 100kg was my cut-off. I vowed that I would never ever get there. It never once occured to me to actually try to maintain the 85kg. I was overweight, sure, but I was healthy. I could jump and skip and do the splits and do front flips. I could roller-skate/blade and race up a staircase. I could sit on the floor, lie on my back. I could do just about everything. But I was still told I was fat and ugly and I listened! How fucked up. I was healthy and well and beautiful, but I let other people’s words define me!!!!

Look where it got me. My BMI is over 45. I am nearly 130kg. I am 164cm tall. I am 31.

I can’t sit on the floor. I can’t run. I can’t jump.. I can’t even lift my leg. I can’t paint my own toenails. I can’t climb more than 3 or 4 steps without feeling like I’m going to die. I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe.

Being fat is not the problem. Being morbidly obese, is. I wish people could realise the difference before they ruin someone else’s life.

 

Lucky for me, I have some hope.