Nearly there

15 Oct

Time really has moved quickly. It is nearly summer again, nearly a whole year since I started this blog and titled it ‘A Year to Band’.

 

I will be getting the band. I am still receiving much negativity about my decision from family, but I am learning to listen to their fears and unnecessary comments without letting it really get to me.

I am willing to give the band a go. While the sleeve seems like a better option, it is not something I can do right at this time. I prefer something that is totally reversible; what if something else was discovered to assist with weightloss? I’d feel pretty cheated if I had already cut away my stomach!

I am worried that I may cheat the band. I can’t even stick to a liquid diet. But something keeps telling me to live it up while I can, because soon I will have no other choice but to stick to a liquid diet.

I need to get though the next couple of months without causing too much damage to myself! I would love to drop some weight though. It was discovered that I have a fracture on my spine. And nothing can be done for it at all right now before I lose some weight. I’m in quite a bit of pain too. So I need to drop some weight. So why can’t I just do it?

I have attempted to. I have tried starving and just drinking shakes. I need to excerise and eat well, but my pain stops me from moving very much at all. Swimming even hurts. So I need to cut out food as a way to lose the weight right now. But I am failing miserably. I am working from home so I spend a lot of time sitting at the computer. I used to walk a lot, even at my high weight. So that has impacted my body.

I haven’t weighed myself in months. That scares me, because in the past it was when  I gained the most. I plan on weighing myself today, but I am so scared. I know that a high number will ruin me. I am scared that I weigh  more than 126kg these days. SCARED.

When I used to weigh 85kg years ago, I honestly believed that I would kill myself if I ever got over 100kg. The 100kg was my cut-off. I vowed that I would never ever get there. It never once occured to me to actually try to maintain the 85kg. I was overweight, sure, but I was healthy. I could jump and skip and do the splits and do front flips. I could roller-skate/blade and race up a staircase. I could sit on the floor, lie on my back. I could do just about everything. But I was still told I was fat and ugly and I listened! How fucked up. I was healthy and well and beautiful, but I let other people’s words define me!!!!

Look where it got me. My BMI is over 45. I am nearly 130kg. I am 164cm tall. I am 31.

I can’t sit on the floor. I can’t run. I can’t jump.. I can’t even lift my leg. I can’t paint my own toenails. I can’t climb more than 3 or 4 steps without feeling like I’m going to die. I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe.

Being fat is not the problem. Being morbidly obese, is. I wish people could realise the difference before they ruin someone else’s life.

 

Lucky for me, I have some hope.

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