A fat person’s getaway

I just got back from a week in a seaside town. I stayed in a resort with hubby and the kids. It was a nice holiday. It COULD have been wonderful.

We had to do a lot of walking. I haven’t walked in months. While I just found out I have a fracture in my spine, and while I have always had back pain, the pain seemed to intensify about 4 months ago. Since the pain got worse, I avoided walking. It hurts too much. But on our trip, I had no choice but to walk. I was in utter agony.

The first walk was to the port to catch a ferry across town. It was a short 10 minute walk, but it took nearly half an hour. i felt as if my back was broken in 2. Well duh, it is!

The worst was the walking on the beach. WOW.

As I sit here and type, I am shaking my head, tears in my eyes remembering the pain, the humiliation, and the fact that no one knows any of it. To everyone in my life and to any observer, I am just a really fat girl finding it hard to walk because I am heavy. Full stop.

One of the things I hate most about being fat is the way that I can’t move properly. I can’t do the things that I want simply because of my fat. It is not about clothing. It is not about how I look. Well, mostly it isn’t. I want to be able to play in the sand with my kids and not have to roll myself over to my knees, hold onto something for dear life and heave myself up just to get to a standing position! HUMILIATING.

And then I go and sit back down and eat chips and chocolate. What is wrong with me? Why am i so greedy and fat and undisciplined and disgusting?

How do I stop being such a pig?

Who am I

I see my reflection, and I wonder to myself: who is that staring back at me?

I seriously have a problem. I know that I am fat, but I am still surprised when I see photo’s of myself or see myself in the mirror. It is like my image of myself in my mind is definitely not what it actually is in reality.

This has to be some sort of disorder. I know I weigh 130kg, but somehow I don’t know how that looks on me. I don’t think I look that big some days when I am getting dressed before the mirror. And that is so crazy because I am BIG. I am as big as 2 normal people put together. My double chin hits my fucking chest. I no longer have a neck.

When in fucking hell did that happen? I go from being regularly told I am beautiful, to this? How could I have not seen the difference.

My eyes do not belong on this face. I have large eyes, but set into this fat face they look beady. My whole face has sorted of shifted downwards. I look so disgusting.

My body. Wow, where do I start. I literally look 8 months pregnant. This is how I was in both pregnancies of mine. Serisouly, without exaggerating.

I am so fucking fat. And I still fucking eat everything in sight. What the fucking fuck is wrong with me? Why can I not stop eating? Why do I feel hungry all of the time?

How the fuck do i stop before I kill myself with food?!?!

What the fuck do i do?!?!

131kg

Just weighed myself and I am devastated. I can’t believe that number.

WTF!

ugh. I feel like crying.

Why the fuck am I suprised?