Archive | December, 2011

Surgery Date!

28 Dec

24th of January 2012, here I come!

2012 will be THE year!

Blood results

16 Dec

I am Vitamin D deficient

I am Insulin Resistant (and pre-diabetic)

I am anaemic.

What does this mean for me and the banding surgery? I have no idea. No idea at all. What I do know is that everything is fixed and/or reversible. Right Now it is. Not in 3 months. Right now. And I can’t help but be thankful that these results have come 1 month before my surgery, rather than 1 year.

I don’t know what all of this will mean to my eating. Lots of things need to change and I have no idea how right now. Thankfully, part of the banding procedure is to see a Dietician, so I really am feeling lucky.

I can’t wait for the moment I pop on to WordPress to tell the world, “I am not long any of those things! I am not Insulin Resistent! I am not Vitamin D deficient! I am probably still anaemic though!”

Ha! Oh the irony. One of the things banding patients are susceptible to becoming: Anaemic. What can I say, I’m special!

16 Dec

I have this intense urge to write today. I’m not entirely sure what about, I just feel a need to bring forth from my mind, words. Usually, I would write in my journal, but as of late I find it difficult to move my writing hand as fast as the words escape my conscious. This means I stop writing.

Typing is so fluid for me, so effortless. I feel connected with the keyboard, like my fingers move of their own accord in complete sync with the little black keys. The clicking sound the keys make and my finger tips tap them is soothing. Completely soothing to my mind and to my arms.

2011 is nearly over. This thought has visited me daily in the last week. 2011 was the best year of my life. I learned so much about myself and the about the world that surrounds me. I went into 2011 with my eyes closed, and will leave it with my eyes wide open. I have gained so much this year (including some weight). I have lost so much this year too (including some weight!).

I am 31, but feel much older than my years. This is in complete contrast to how I have felt in the past, always claiming that I feel like a 15 year old, and that I always will feel like a 15 year old. I already miss my naievity. Very much. But I would never go back. While being naieve is somewhat easier to live with, I much prefer the freedom that has come with this year.

I never thought I would be where I am. I may not be famous or talented or accomplished or successful, but I am very proud of who I am today. I am proud of who I became in the year of 2011. I am proud of what I have overcome and how I overcame it. I am proud of me.

I look forward to 2012 and what it feels like throwing at me. I am ready.

Is this what freaking out feels like?

7 Dec

Yesterday, I had my pre-op blood tests and ECG. Apparently, many women are getting the lapband and going throught his one place to have ther pre-ops. I was asked to go back a few months post-op so that they can see what I look like! Pressure much?

I am freaking out. I want to eat all the bread and meat I can before the surgery. I don’t know what is happening to me. I just want to eat. It’s awful. I feel like I am setting myself up for failure and it fucking freaks me out.

What if I fuck it up? What if I fuck it all up and not let the band do its work?

Shit