Archive | January, 2012

TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI … I warned you

28 Jan

I have never been so happy to do a poo in all of my life! It occurred to me this morning that I had that familiar urge, and I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough. It was slow but I did it! Yay!

In other news … I have officially lost 14kg! I am now 117kg down from the 131kg I weighed 1 week before I started my pre-op diet.

I think I now need a ticker!

🙂

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Learning the difference between real hunger and head hunger

27 Jan

What a revelation. I waddled my way out of bed yesterday afternoon, after 30 minutes of trying to get comfortable. You see my bum hurt like a bitch, I couldn’t lay on either side, and laying back was just out of the question. So I figured I’d go for a short walk … again!

Anyway, I was waddling my way out of bed, when I had this massive urge to eat. Like I could imagine the tastes and textures in my mouth. I wanted a cheesburger. I wanted pasta and spaghetti. I wanted crusty bread. I wanted cheese and pickles and grapes and peaches and strawberries. I wanted tomatoes and basil and and and and and and and!!! I felt like I was starving.

I walked into the kitchen and made myself a runny smoothie of stawberries, yoghurt, lactose free skim milk and pineapple juice. I sat down in my comfy glider, ready to suck the hell out of those fucking asshole straws (I am so tired of the bloody straws!). I took one sip. I waited a few moments and then took another sip. I put the (tiny 50ml) glass down and sunk myself into the comfort that is the back of the glider. My mind once again went to all the food that I miss. It went to all the smells and tastes that I felt I would die without.

But then I realised something. It hit me like a tonne of bricks; I wasn’t hungry. My stomach was not grumbling. I wasn’t light-headed.

I wasn’t hungry. But the way my mind was going, I had made myself believe that I was starving!

But I still wanted the food. I wanted it so bad, that I started to cry; that ugly cry when your snot runs into your mouth. It was a quiet cry though, because my stomach region is still so sensitive from the region that I couldn’t make the ugly noises to go along with the ugly cry!

And then it occurred to me. Call me stupid but it was right there that I realised that this is why I needed the band. And these couple of weeks on liquids is kind of like my rehab. I am having withdrawal symptoms from my drug. I am craving it and imagining that I NEED it.

It so hard. But I need to get through this. I have a feeling that the completion of the liquid phase will determine my success with the band. I am fighting my demons. And I can’t back out. I can’t give up. I can’t tell myself that it’s too hard so stuff it. I can’t just stomp to the fridge and stuff my face, telling myself I’ll be good again “just after this bite”.

The band is forcing me to deal with all of my shit. It’s fucking hard, its agony but I know that it’s vital.

The band is forcing me to see this through. I can’t back out. There is absolutely no way. And for someone who finds it very easy to give up, it is hard. Hard hard hard!

But in some warped way, I love it.

It is not my dad taking that piece of bread away from me. It is not me yelling at my mum, saying things I later regret. It is not me being hurt by someone not offering me something because I’m so fat I don’t need it. It is not my husband giving me ‘the look’ when I eat something very unhealthy just a mere few minutes after proclaiming that I’m on a diet. It is not my hatred at myself after I have just eaten the 5th bread roll in a row.

It is my band. It is the fear that I wil tear something or damage my insides. It is the knowledge that there is an end to it eventually; I will be able to eat again. I will be normal again. I will be able to walk and bend again. This pain will subside.

It is my band. My band that is forcing me to get my shit together. My band that is forcing me into reality. My band that is taking away my denial, one sip at a time.

My band.

My regrets? That I let myself get to this point. That I let myself get so out of control, that I need this pain and fear to get me into line.

That I didn’t do this sooner.

Oh the pain

26 Jan

I am 2 days post-op. I am still in agony. This gas pain is no walk in the park. I knew it would be painful, but no-one ever said it would be THIS painful.

I am feeling kind of down. I am constantly thinking about food. Except that when I sip my liquids, I can barely get down 20 or so mils. And then I think I need to get on with it because I have 13 days to go until I get to mushies!

You have no idea how I want mushies. Or maybe you do? Why has no blogger dicussed how hard this part is? Why has no blogger written about how terrible the gas pain is? How there is port pain? How you can’t bend over or even sit straight because the port digs in (maybe its just the gas? And the bloating. Oh the bloating. No one said that I’d be without any food or liquid for 36 hours and no one said that I’d not sleep for 48 hours!

Well, I’m saying ti now. This is bloody hard. It better all be worth it!

 

Excited!!

22 Jan

I have officially lost 7.8kg on my pre-op diet!!!!! I didn’t think I could do it to be honest. I have been out to eat 4 times and I was able to make the right choices and to stick to my 1000 calories, even under!

Surgery in 2 more sleeps. While I am still al ittle frightened, I think I am more excited now. I can’t for a coupel of months down the track!

I still have some fears about the surgery. I just hope everything goes to plan!

🙂 7.8kg!!!

What a week!

19 Jan

I have stuck to the 1000 calorie diet all week, with only a couple of little stuff-ups. I have never felt so hungry in my life. My mouth seems dry and I feel empty. My stomch feels so … well empty!

I have cried so much this week. I feel such a loss. I feel like I am mourning! I feel sad. SO very very sad. Where before I used to eat my feelings, I have had to actualy feel them without stuffing them away with food. It hurts!

I have been so nervous about the surgery (4 days away now!). My heart has been in my throat for days. I am sensitive to everything. I feel like everyone is offending me. I feel like I can’t stand to be around other people. I just want to sit by myelf and focus on chew, chew chewing my food. Its crazy.

I met a woman today who also has the band. SHe has re-gained her weight, but has re-committed to losing again. Meeting her has been the best thing I have done in a while. She seems to be an amazing person. She put me at ease. I don’t think she knows just what she has done for me!

So yes, Tuesday is my surgery. I am so very nervous but really quite excited. I can’t wait to see what this year holds for me.

🙂 I am now back to 126kg! I will NEVER EVER see 130kg EVER again.

I promise.

Getting there

12 Jan

Yesterday was a good day food-wise. I did not overindulge nor did I go crazy around food. I ate following the 20-20-20 rule. I stuck to my 1000 calories.

Today I had a good breakfast and am currently sipping my slim right shake with raspberries and a tiny bit of honey. Its not that bad. I was starving at about 11am, and thankfully I had pre-prepared the shake. I didn’t just grab anything, although I really wanted to. I crushed some ice in my blender, and added it to the shake. I have been sipping it since.

I don’t know what my dinner is going to be. What the rest of the family is having is not something I can eat, it being full of full-cream yoghurt and olive oil etc etc etc. I might have a salad with some sort of protein. Maybe eggs. Or tuna.

I don’t know. This planning business is hard work. But I refuse to give in. I really want this surgery to go smoothly. I really want to challenge my body. I really need this.

I am trying to think of food as fuel rather than as a reward or as comfort or as something to do. Food is not a treat. It doesn’t have to be anyway.

I want my life to be about so much more than just what I’m going to eat next. What a waste of a life otherwise.

Going batshit

10 Jan

I have started my pre-surgery diet. It is not a liquid diet but a very low calorie one. I am on 1000 calories a day. Totally do-able. Unless of course you go and swim laps for 2 hours, go crazy hungry and eat everything in sight.

I feel like shit. I feel like this is my test. If I can’t do this, can I live a lapband ife?

Fuck.