Archive | February, 2012

Why am I here?

8 Feb

I don’t know if I want to type today. I am feeling quite low.

I am not hungry, yet I can still eat. I only stop at half a cup of food because its what I have to do, but I could easily eat and eat some more. Obviously, the swelling in my stomach has gone down. Obviously. I am going to be honest, even though it kills me to be, and say that I have eaten things I shouldn’t be eating. Just a little pick here and there, but I know this is where my downfall lies. Picking of food. Grazing. Whatever you want to call it.

I feel really down. I know that I am PMS’ing, and this is just how I get, but it needs to stop.

I have these grand ideas to get out and about, but they never eventuate. It’s been raining for weeks in Sydney, so there is lots that I CANNOT do outside.

I am just so tired of all this shit. I hate myself today, and I can’t stop it. I have done NOTHING productive. I have not cleaned nor cooked. Thankfully there are heaps of leftovers because I got the cooking bug yesterday.

I seem to eat on time, even though I’m not hungry. Today, at about 11am, I decided I was going to have lunch, but I wasn’t hungry. But I had it, A WHOLE CUP. And I felt like I could have eaten more. I broke the rule of half a cup of food over half an hour. It upsets me to see me act like a child unable to stick to the rules. From the very begininng I told myself that I could succeed at this if I stuck to the rules!

I also had 2 tablespoons of icecream and a small square of chocolate. Not my proudest moment, especially considering I have just started my 3rd week banded. I am fucking kidding myself.

So I can still eat junk. What the fuck. I still have to control myself from eating this shit. Who the fuck created the band and didn’t think to create something for junk along with it?

Obviously, the band is made for those people who just eat lots of REAL food. Obvisouly.

But I have to make this work. I have no other choice. I made a couple of bad decisions, but this is where it ends. I need to own up to my reality. I have had gasrtic banding surgery. It is no joke.

This morning, on day 15 post-surgery, I weigh 118.5 kg. That’s up a few from my lowest of last week. But that’s ok. I know what I need to do and how I need to do it. I have until the 5th of March for my first fill. Between now and then I cannot fuck this up.

Maybe the fill will help more?

I sure hope so.



6 Feb

Tomorrow is officially day14 since being banded, but today I have started the puree. I know I know, typical of someone with a weight problem not to have discipline, but whatever! I’ve been on liquids for what seems like forever!

Today I had a little taste of those flavours I have missed so much. Dinner is going to be spaghetti bol, but in a pureed form for me. I haven’t been this excited about food in … weeks! I am on half a cup of food for each meal and 250ml of liquids in one go, both over half an hour.

I know I will gain after this phase. I have been on so little and to suddenly introduce real calories WOW. I’m worried because I don’t want it to mess with my head. My weightloss hasn’t really begun yet. Well, it shouldn’t have anyway.

Tomorrow’s lunch is going to be smoked salmon, ricotta and pickles all whizzed into a puree. I really cannot wait!


2 Feb

I saw my surgeon today just so that he could check that things are A-OK. And they definitely are.

I am now down 17kg. While this is all exciting and stuff, I am was told that when I start purees, I will probably gain a few. So I’m not getting too excited yet.

However, I am fitting into clothes I haven’t been able to wear for AGES! A few of my rings which I haven’t worn in years and years are now fitting too.

I think that this is the best thing I have ever done for myself. Nothing beats how I feel at the moment, like I am in control for the first time ever.



Food is my life

1 Feb

It has become quite obvious to me the way that I used to view food pre-band. My whole life revolved around what I was going to eat and when. I fell asleep at night, excited to get to morning just so I could get up to my mug of coffee, 2 pieces of grainy bread with a swipe of margarine and vegemite. I couldn’t function without this ritual. It is a ritual I have had for over 5 years.

All of a sudden, I can’t have that anymore. I am still on liquids, but cannot stomach coffee anymore. It is like I can’t even stand the smell of it. But that doesn’t matter, I still miss my morning coffee. Obviously, I can’t have toast anymore. But I am CRAVING it. I am craving the feeling of it when I sink my teeth into its soft, yet crunchy goodness. I am craving the half hour I had to myself while I had my breakfast.

These days, its an Up’n’Go for breaky, sipped as I make my daughters lunch for school. By the time I’m half way through it, its time to get to school.

I miss my lunches. My large bowls of spaghetti. My potato wedges with sweet chili and sour cream. I miss burgers. I miss so much. I am not physically all that hungry, but I need to eat. I need to chew something.

I want to guzzle water. Its only been 7 days, but I miss guzzling water so much. Sipping it just doesn’t cut it when I’m thirsty. It just doesn’t.

Yesterday, I accidently did guzzle. I had just come back from picking up my daughter from school. I was hot and sweaty and ran for the fridge where I picked up my beloved bottle. I swung it to my mouth, taking in about 100mls in one go. I didn’t realise what I had done until I felt it stop mid-way in my chest. It was icy cold, so I could feel it just sitting there. Then, ever so slightly, I felt it trickle down to my stomach. Drop by drop, it seemed.

For 2 hours I felt over-stuffed. I felt so full I couldn’t sit up straight. I had to go lay down, where it felt like my tummy was aching. I really hope that no damage has been done.

Dinner time is really hard around here too. I still have to cook for my family. It hurts. It really does. I feel like food is betraying me. I feel like punching and kicking and screaming because I can’t eat. The smells and the sights and sounds of food and those who consume it are just about driving me crazy.

What am I going to do? Will I learn to not focus my life around food?

I need a hobby.