The truth

25 Mar

Since weighing myself this morning, I have had this unsettling internal debate going on. This week I gained. 300 gm to be exact.

I really don’t want to have to tell you this. Whoever ‘you’ is. But I realised that the not telling you part has nothing to do with being ashamed of my relatively little gain. It is the fact that I want to be in denial about the gain. Something I have done for most of my adult life.

So, here is a massive step forward for me. I am not going to be in denial anymore. I will continue to weigh myself and I will continue on with this weightloss.

I have to admit though, that I do feel a bit down. For hours now all I can think is, “I have had bloody weightloss surgery. SURGERY and I gained weight. What the fuck!”.

I have to admit that this thought is causing much havoc. My inner voice is pissing me off! But I am scared to shut it up. I am scared that if I attempt to shut it up that I am giving myself permission to gain weight.

I weighed 117.8kg this morning. That is 259.2pounds for my American readers (are there any?).

Right this second, I think I need to remind myself that I weighed 131kg (288.2 pounds) just 3 months ago. What’s a little gain in the grand scheme of things? (I just love using pounds rather than kg, sounds so much more impressive!)

But this inner voice! Far out! It keeps saying that I should have lost more. It keeps reminding me that I need to move more. It keeps telling me that the world, it seems, is watching my progress and I can’t let anyone down.

ugh!

Sometimes, its just all too much. I don’t want to see my weight go up at all. How did this happen?

1) the 2 large chocolate eggs I ate last week.

Seriously, Fuck You Cadbury!!!!!

I bought them for my girls, you see. Whatever!

The two eggs in the photo above are currently on my kitchen bench top. I stare at them, and they stare back. I feel like I NEED to win this battle. It is me, against them!

2) I didn’t exercise. No intentional exercise at all. While I was sick in the beginning of the week, I got better, but I did not plan to do anything at all. I have been trying to finish my paper, but that is no excuse.

One thing is for sure, I think I need a fill. I seem to be getting hungry quicker than I have been. I seem to be thinking about food a hell of a lot too.

So yes, this post is definitely all about the truth! I gained this week. I ate junk. I didn’t exercise. I broke a promise to myself. I let the old me creep back in.

The silver lining? There is none! But thankfully there is a new day!

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2 Responses to “The truth”

  1. Ronnie March 28, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

    You’re only three months out… don’t be too hard on yourself! You’re healing right now, and that’s really all that’s important. This really is impressive weight loss, especially when you put it in perspective. So you didn’t lose this week… you will have a loss next week. You will continue to lose. But life will happen, and sometimes gains or no losses can help remotivate you more than a big loss would if you weren’t doing all the right things.

    Oh, and I’m an American reader! 🙂

    • Year2Band March 28, 2012 at 8:57 pm #

      Thank you sooo much for your words Ronnie. You have no idea what they mean to me. I suppose that at times I still have the thought, “What if I can’t do this?”. But then I see you and others who have also lost and gotten to goal and I think that I can, I just have to focus.

      I thought you were British!! 🙂

      Thank you for reading and for commenting! Thank you thank you thank you!

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