Archive | April, 2012

In my 12th week

18 Apr

I now weigh 115kg. I jumped up and down on the scales when I saw that number and nearly broke my scales!

That is a total of 16kg down 🙂

I think I am at perfect restriction. I have 3 meals a day with a coffee and one snack. I don’t really get hunger pangs except for about 10pm. Seriously, the hunger pangs hurt at this time. I mostly just go to bed, and by morning I am fine. But sometimes I may have a tea or some fruit.

I am tighter in the mornings. But I am yet to PB. It seems nearly all bloggers have PB’d by this stage, so I don’t know. I have gotten stuck a couple of times, but after taking a couple of deep breaths, I have felt the food make its way down. Usually its because I have a big bite, or the food is dry. But nothing major really. I am dreading the moment that I do PB though! Maybe I won’t? That would be nice!

I usually have a piece of toast with WW margarine or cheese spread at about 7am.

10-11am a skim latte (YUM!)

About midday to 1pm I will have lunch. Today I had a baby sized chicken kebab and only had half of it because I was full.

And then dinner at about 7pm.

9pm is sometimes fruit or tea.

On a bad day where I feel like munching, I will eat little snacks up until dinner and then skip dinner. It seems to be working for me!

But others have said it and I am about to as well, I wish we can band our minds too! Physical hunger is non-existent in my day, but mental hunger? Far out!!! It is still a lot of work. But the band has made my life so much easier.

Right now, I love my band. I am so glad I have it and am very pleased with my progress (regardless of how slow it has been).

My next fill is on the 31st of May and my aim is to be 110kg. I’m not sure what will happen with my restriction between now and then but I am going to keep the appointment for now. If truth be told I’d be quite reluctant to play with my fill because I am so happy with it now. But thigns could definitely change.

By September I would like to be under 100kg. It is realistic and I can’t wait for it. I feel so good right now and can’t imagine feeling better.

I don’t know where I would be now had I not decided to get the band. I would not be smaller, I know that for a fact. I would have continued to gain or maintain at best. But I don’t know how much longer I could have carried on weighing 131kg.

I really want to post some comparison photo’s, especially of my face, but I am reluctant to. Only my family know about my band, and I would like to keep it that way for now. But I take photo’s regularly and I can definitely see the change.

Today, I am happy 🙂

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Why I am fat

13 Apr

I was falling asleep the other night. I was in that place between awake and blissfully dreaming. Just as my body was falling deeper into the matress, and thought spat itself into my consciousness. The thought felt like a slap in the face.

I realised something. I know why I keep myself fat. It makes my life easier to deal with.

You see, a failed marriage? It must be because I’m fat. No friends? It must be because I’m fat. Problems with my parents? Must be because I’m fat.

Well hello hello. It occured to me that once this weight is gone, I no longer have the fat to blame. This means I will finaly come face-to-face with my problems.

Also, the less I weigh, the more confident I become within myself. The more sure of my beliefs and needs I become. The more respect I have for myself, the more I want for myself. I no longer want to settle.

Now, this blog of mine hasn’t really been a personal one. I write about my battle with weightloss. That is about all. I have never really written about my personal life. But that is kind of indicative of how I live my life. I push away and bury with food the real problems.

But I can no longer do that. Food is no longer a friend. Actually, food is no longer such a big part of my life. I feel my emotions now. I live them. I can no longer hide from them.

You see, I know that with this weightloss, I am waking up. Waking up from a life unlived. And what does that mean?

It means lots of things. It means I need to be strong. It means that I need to make very important decisions. I’ve never liked doing that. I like to just chill, sit back and wait for things to happen. I have never, ever MADE things happen.

Except for my banding surgery. That was my first step.

But now? I don’t know where my life is headed. I feel like I have finally woken up from a deep sleep. I have been numb for so long. I have just been tagging along for so long, afraid of making decisions for the fear of making the wrong ones.

What do I do?

All the fuckery

7 Apr

The bastard who said, “Sure you were really fat, but I’m positive you could have lost weight with a little bit of discipline. I still believe you didn’t really have to have surgery.”

Fuck you

One of my favourite things

4 Apr

I mix a few drops of sugar free lemon cordial, with icy cold water. I then add a few frozen berries. It kind of sort of keeps my diet coke craving at bay.

 

Second Fill

2 Apr

I got an extra 2ml today, so that makes a total of 7ml. The doc is extremely happy with my progress which makes me extremely happy.

One thing I noticed, was how fast I ran up the stairs to the surgery. The first time I walked up those 30 stairs, I had to stop 4 times, and ended up sweating and huffing and puffing. Today, I raced my way up, not even out of breath (all that much!). My knees did hurt a little I noticed.

Another great NSV!

NSV: my skin

1 Apr

I have never had acne-prone skin. Growing up, I used to get one massive pimple once amonth, but that was all.

Fast forward to 2009, to when my skin just started breaking out. I had gained a lot of weight at this time. I fell pregnant in early 2008 at 97kg. I gave birth in September 2008 weighing 126kg. I started getting spots. Big spots and little spots. I thought that maybe it was just hormonal from being pregnant etc.

But suddenly, after having lost some weight, my skin is amazing. I think a lot of it has to do with me drinking water as opposed to the diet coke I used to live on. I haven’t had diet coke in about 5 months now. I crave it like you wouldn’t believe, but once I did try some and it kind of really hurt. It felt like I had swallowed pins.

So I suppose that makes it 2 NSV’s: my skin finally back to how its meant to be and giving up Diet Coke for good! I think I am finally becoming healthy. 🙂

Image

Today’s Weight

1 Apr

Today's Weight

 

That’s 256.7 lbs (that’s for you Ronnie!!)

This means I have lost a total of 3.1kg (6.8 lbs) in my first month of being filled. I have to admit,  I am a little disappointed. I was expecting to lose 5kg or more. Before the band, this loss in a month would have made me ecstatic. Am I expecting too much?

Could I have done more? DEFINITELY! I really did not eat well for a lot of this month, and I exercised only about once a week. So I know what I need to do in the next filled month.

I am getting my second fill today. I really cannot wait! I’ve been so bloody hungry and able to eat anything and everything. I was hoping to be 115 (253 lbs) by this second fill, but whatever! Life goes on! 🙂 I am losing people! I never thought is possible!

If I am 112kg (246.4 lbs) by the end of April, I think I will be very happy!