I was falling asleep the other night. I was in that place between awake and blissfully dreaming. Just as my body was falling deeper into the matress, and thought spat itself into my consciousness. The thought felt like a slap in the face.
I realised something. I know why I keep myself fat. It makes my life easier to deal with.
You see, a failed marriage? It must be because I’m fat. No friends? It must be because I’m fat. Problems with my parents? Must be because I’m fat.
Well hello hello. It occured to me that once this weight is gone, I no longer have the fat to blame. This means I will finaly come face-to-face with my problems.
Also, the less I weigh, the more confident I become within myself. The more sure of my beliefs and needs I become. The more respect I have for myself, the more I want for myself. I no longer want to settle.
Now, this blog of mine hasn’t really been a personal one. I write about my battle with weightloss. That is about all. I have never really written about my personal life. But that is kind of indicative of how I live my life. I push away and bury with food the real problems.
But I can no longer do that. Food is no longer a friend. Actually, food is no longer such a big part of my life. I feel my emotions now. I live them. I can no longer hide from them.
You see, I know that with this weightloss, I am waking up. Waking up from a life unlived. And what does that mean?
It means lots of things. It means I need to be strong. It means that I need to make very important decisions. I’ve never liked doing that. I like to just chill, sit back and wait for things to happen. I have never, ever MADE things happen.
Except for my banding surgery. That was my first step.
But now? I don’t know where my life is headed. I feel like I have finally woken up from a deep sleep. I have been numb for so long. I have just been tagging along for so long, afraid of making decisions for the fear of making the wrong ones.
What do I do?