Archive | May, 2012

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31 May

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Another fill :-)

31 May

My doc added 2 more mls this afternoon, which brings my total to 9mls.

I weighed in at 1 kg (2.2lbs) less than my last fill. I knew this would be the case, but the doc didn’t seem phased at all. He told me I’d only had a couple of fills up until that time and that it was perfectly normal. He told me that he would bet anything that although my weight hadn’t change a whole lot, my shape had. And I had to agree! It is true; my shape has changed and my clothes are looser. I am able to wear dresses that I couldn’t a couple of months ago.

SO if my doc is happy with my progress, I should be too right?

He predicted that I’d be at 100kg by September. I really hate goals because I can never stick to them (and always manage to sabotage myself), but I really aim to go hard. I have to!!!!!! I have a plane to catch! ๐Ÿ™‚

Well, at 9mls I should have some restriction. More than what I had anyway.

This is it I guess. The next couple of months will need to see the biggest weight loss yet. I should be at perfect fill and I am finding it easier to exercise these days. I really have to be mindful about the WAY that I eat. I have noticed that the slower I do eat, the colder my food gets, the less appealing it becomes. It’s kind of awesome!

I’ll let you know how it works out for me!

14 Questions

25 May

1. How long have you been banded?
About 4 months

2. What was your highest pre-band weight? / Current weight now?
My highest weight was 131 kilos (288.2 lbs)
My current weight is 114 kilos (250.8 lbs)

3. What is your best “go-to” food to get in your protein?
Chicken mostly. I make sure to try to have a form of protein with every meal. My second choice would be eggs.

4. What is your favorite protein brand/shake?
I tried so many and hated them all! I was put on a 1000 calorie a day diet for my pre-op. I did try to drink some protein shakes post-operative, but would often add banana and strawberries, and sometimes Milo.

5. What food do you miss the most now being post-band?
Hmm I find that I get stuck when I eat bread, and my favourite all-time food was fresh bread and butter. So I suppose this the food I miss the most. Overall though, I can stil eat anything if I eat it slowly!

6. What is your favorite “mushy” food?
Baked potato and brocooli, mashed up. I also loved to create soups with lamb and mash them up.

7. What was your worst PB experience?
Up until this week, I hadn’t yet PB’d. However, the other day I let myself get really hungry. I then purchased a burger, something I hadn’t done in so long. I proceeded to eat it very quickly. I got stuck and had to PB into a ziplock bag I keep in my purse. It hurt like a bitch, and the froth and the slime! ugh! It was awful. I was sore for the rest of the day.

I was really pissed off with myself. Firstly, what the hell was I do eating a burger and secondly, in the car? Fuck, I kind of deserved it! This used to be a routine of mine before surgery, and I really don’t know why I decided to do it again. But I can say with all honesty that it will be the LAST time. Never again!

8. What has been the hardest part of this journey so far for you?
Dealing with head hunger. Surgery doesn’t fix the cravings!!! But it does kind of ensure that you don’t eat as much as you would have prior to surgery.

9. What is your best NSV to date?
hmm My energy. Yesterday, I did the grocery shoping, walked to the park 30min away and back, came home and vacuumed the house, did 2 loads of washing and hung them out on the line, cooked a meal that took 2 hrs of standing in the kitchen, (dealt with the kids and hubby!) cleaned the kitchen after dinner, and then walked for 20 minutes on the treadmill! Before surgery, I would only do half of the grocery shop, then come home and sit on the couch until bedtime because I was so tired! MAJOR nsv ๐Ÿ™‚

10. What is your top non-weight goal for your band?
I am going overseas in September. My biggest non-weight goal would have to be the plane seats. I needed an extension the last time and I couldn’t use the dinner tray. I would put the tray on my knees, where it balanced precariously until I finished my meal. I also held out from using the toilet bcz getting in and losing the door was embarrasing. I need to do all of this comfortably by september this year!!! My biggest goal I think.

11. What is your goal weight or size?
I am using the last 2 digits of my height as my goal weight. So that would be 63kg ๐Ÿ™‚ (138.6 lbs)

12. What band “rule” do you live by (i.e. don’t cheat on)?
The not drinking while eating. I always drink before or after by 10-20 minutes. This was the hardest habit to establish, and I started doing it before I was banded. But I persevered and now I can’t do it any differently.

13. What band “rule” do you not follow as much or aren’t so good at?
Portion size. I always end up eating too much!!! (What’s bloody new!)

14. What is your goal “reward”?
SHOPPING. I love clothes and shoes, and I can’t wait to be able to buy whatever I want (not just what fits)

So, I am really very much absolutely struggling

21 May

And I don’t know what to do about it. I am the tightest I have been since first getting the band. I don’t know why since I haven’t had any new fills. I have to eat small bites very slowly, but still I am not losing weight.

I have been eating a lot. I dont know how its possible considering it takes me so long to eat anything. I seem to be spending a lot of time eating. I haven’t been exercising.

I have been avoiding blogging because of this. I want to come on here and say that I am doing reallyย  well, losing weight etc. But its just not the truth.

I am feeling very discouraged. I am supposed to get another fill on the 31st of May, but I don’t think I will. hmmm I might get a tiny fill, maybe its what I need. But I am SCARED to see my doc. How will I explain my lack of weightloss? With honesty? How revolutionery.

Shit.

I have been shopping like crazy. I know that my weightloss is at a stand-still when I shop for clothes. I know when I have no motivation. Its just how my psyche works. Its like I know I won’t be in a smaller size, so I shop for now.

Funny thing though, I bought this dress in a size XS thinking that I could wear it in a few months, but it actually fit me perfectly. My mind is so fucked. This reverse body dysmorphia is fucking me up. Wish I could see myself for how I really am.

But still, no weight loss. I have not been losing. I am physically quite comfortable, but I wonder if I am tricking myself into thinking that I’m comfy, as a ‘survival’ mode. You know, so I’m not completely self-hating about the size of my body. Who knows.

Anyway. I am really very much absolutely struggling. And it’s giving me the fucking shits!

Afraid to fail

5 May

I have been extremely secretive about my gastric banding.

In the past when I would start a new weightloss venture, I felt the only way I could be serious about it was to tell anyone who would listen that I was on a ‘diet’. it always came back to bite me in the bum (my big fat bum). Everyone became the food police, and I would often feel embarrassed about my lack of major weightloss.

So, the first thing I was sure about when it came time to getting the band, was that I would tell no one (except my immediate family, but only because I feared that I would die during the surgery). I still have some issues with my family about this. I still get stupid-ass questions all of the time.

The other day I happened to tell a complete stranger that I have lost about 16kg. Ok, so the complete stranger was someone I get laser treatments from once every 4-6 months. I had only ever had her once before, and I am sure she doesn’t even remember me. I don’t know why I felt compelled to tell her I had lost this amount of weight. But I felt like I needed to. It was as if I was letting her know that I was not ok with the way my body is at the moment.

But then she asked me how I had lost the weight, and I LIED. I said through excerice and eating well. Now, while that is the truth, I am still getting a little help with my hunger and the amount I can eat in one go. But I did not say a word about the band.

Why am I embarrassed about my band? I can’t answer that. I know that I would feel so ashamed if the world knew I had weight loss surgery but didn’t lose the excess weight. I would be so ashamed. I don’t know what I would do if that were to happen. I am also ashamed that I needed weightloss surgery. I don’t know why. It has helped me in more ways than with weight loss. It shook things up for me and my life. it gave me a reason to … well … live. I know that sounds beyond corny, but it is what it is. Also, I can’t stand beign give the ‘once-over’ by family and I can’t imagien what it would be like to have other people in my life do the same. I can’t stand being on show.

While I do have my bad moments (read my previous post!), my weight loss surgery has given me back my life. I may not have lost a whole lot of weight (yet) but I am dealing with my issues, one issue at a time. One binge at a time. I can’t turn to food like I used to. I just can’t. I eat differently now. While I can still binge, its much slower. Its not as bad as it used to be. I can’t just decide to throw in the towel. I can’t just decide to walk away and give up. I am in this for life. So I do have bad moments and bad days. I do binge. But then I get on with it. I continue trying to do this once and for all. I get back on that treadmill and I go back to measuring my food.

That is why I love my band. There is no turning back.

So why am I still ashamed?

 

 

A planned day-long binge

2 May

That is what I did today. After weeks of doing so well, I planned to spend the first time in a long time at home all day eating.

I didn’t have meal times. I just ate all. day. long.

I feel sick. I can’t believe I used to do this every single day. I feel like I have gained 10kg just today. I feel disgusting.

I know that if I do this again tomorrow, I will easily fall back into my old routine of eating all day, sitting on my arse and gaining weight. Then complaining about it.

Today I will walk on the treadmill. 30 minutes.

I will get my shit together again.