Afraid to fail

5 May

I have been extremely secretive about my gastric banding.

In the past when I would start a new weightloss venture, I felt the only way I could be serious about it was to tell anyone who would listen that I was on a ‘diet’. it always came back to bite me in the bum (my big fat bum). Everyone became the food police, and I would often feel embarrassed about my lack of major weightloss.

So, the first thing I was sure about when it came time to getting the band, was that I would tell no one (except my immediate family, but only because I feared that I would die during the surgery). I still have some issues with my family about this. I still get stupid-ass questions all of the time.

The other day I happened to tell a complete stranger that I have lost about 16kg. Ok, so the complete stranger was someone I get laser treatments from once every 4-6 months. I had only ever had her once before, and I am sure she doesn’t even remember me. I don’t know why I felt compelled to tell her I had lost this amount of weight. But I felt like I needed to. It was as if I was letting her know that I was not ok with the way my body is at the moment.

But then she asked me how I had lost the weight, and I LIED. I said through excerice and eating well. Now, while that is the truth, I am still getting a little help with my hunger and the amount I can eat in one go. But I did not say a word about the band.

Why am I embarrassed about my band? I can’t answer that. I know that I would feel so ashamed if the world knew I had weight loss surgery but didn’t lose the excess weight. I would be so ashamed. I don’t know what I would do if that were to happen. I am also ashamed that I needed weightloss surgery. I don’t know why. It has helped me in more ways than with weight loss. It shook things up for me and my life. it gave me a reason to … well … live. I know that sounds beyond corny, but it is what it is. Also, I can’t stand beign give the ‘once-over’ by family and I can’t imagien what it would be like to have other people in my life do the same. I can’t stand being on show.

While I do have my bad moments (read my previous post!), my weight loss surgery has given me back my life. I may not have lost a whole lot of weight (yet) but I am dealing with my issues, one issue at a time. One binge at a time. I can’t turn to food like I used to. I just can’t. I eat differently now. While I can still binge, its much slower. Its not as bad as it used to be. I can’t just decide to throw in the towel. I can’t just decide to walk away and give up. I am in this for life. So I do have bad moments and bad days. I do binge. But then I get on with it. I continue trying to do this once and for all. I get back on that treadmill and I go back to measuring my food.

That is why I love my band. There is no turning back.

So why am I still ashamed?

 

 

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4 Responses to “Afraid to fail”

  1. Ronnie May 7, 2012 at 11:52 pm #

    “Its not as bad as it used to be.” This right here says it all, in my opinion. And it’s going to get even better. πŸ™‚

    Also, I know where you’re coming from. When I started dating my current beau, I didn’t tell him for about a month about my band surgery. It’s something that gets less and less… I want to say “shameful” as time goes on and you realize how successful you are. How successful your band has helped you to be. Some stranger doesn’t need to know about our surgeries anyway. Honestly, I make it a point never to really tell anyone, unless I think they could profit from the information.

    • Year2Band May 10, 2012 at 3:15 am #

      Thank you so much for your comments Ronnie. I really needed the support and encouragement today. πŸ™‚

  2. Humble Beginnings May 10, 2012 at 5:22 pm #

    Hey! Just found your blog – nice πŸ™‚ You sound like you’re in the UK. Where were you banded? I was banded in the UK in January too.

    I don’t tell anyone about the band either. My parents, my “second family”, my boyfriend and my best friend know about it and that’s it. 6 people. I’m sure if my weightloss were more rapid it’d raise some eyebrows but “thankfully” things are going sloooow for me. I don’t know why I’m ashamed of it either (and maybe ashamed isn’t the right word). But either way, it’s a personal decision and I don’t feel obligated to let people know. I don’t want to have to constantly answer questions about it or be judged for it (why didn’t she just eat less and exercise, waste of money, she’s not even losing weight…blahblah)… My belly, my business.

    Best of luck to ya πŸ™‚

  3. Nikki May 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    I understand where you are coming from now. I was gung ho about telling everyone about my journey, and now I feel a lot of what you thought you would go through. I feel like people are ALWAYS asking how things are going and are looking for signs of the weight loss, but it is really frustrating since I never knew anything about how long it took to get a fill that gives you restriction. Wish I had known some of these things before the surgery because maybe i wouldn’t have told so many people, but I say whatever…they don’t like how its going or think negatively, that’s on them. I am happy regardless and a very positive person and won’t let anyone or anything bring me down. Keep your head up!!! Nikki’s Meltdown blogger πŸ™‚

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