I used to be fat.

Afraid to fail


I have been extremely secretive about my gastric banding.

In the past when I would start a new weightloss venture, I felt the only way I could be serious about it was to tell anyone who would listen that I was on a ‘diet’. it always came back to bite me in the bum (my big fat bum). Everyone became the food police, and I would often feel embarrassed about my lack of major weightloss.

So, the first thing I was sure about when it came time to getting the band, was that I would tell no one (except my immediate family, but only because I feared that I would die during the surgery). I still have some issues with my family about this. I still get stupid-ass questions all of the time.

The other day I happened to tell a complete stranger that I have lost about 16kg. Ok, so the complete stranger was someone I get laser treatments from once every 4-6 months. I had only ever had her once before, and I am sure she doesn’t even remember me. I don’t know why I felt compelled to tell her I had lost this amount of weight. But I felt like I needed to. It was as if I was letting her know that I was not ok with the way my body is at the moment.

But then she asked me how I had lost the weight, and I LIED. I said through excerice and eating well. Now, while that is the truth, I am still getting a little help with my hunger and the amount I can eat in one go. But I did not say a word about the band.

Why am I embarrassed about my band? I can’t answer that. I know that I would feel so ashamed if the world knew I had weight loss surgery but didn’t lose the excess weight. I would be so ashamed. I don’t know what I would do if that were to happen. I am also ashamed that I needed weightloss surgery. I don’t know why. It has helped me in more ways than with weight loss. It shook things up for me and my life. it gave me a reason to … well … live. I know that sounds beyond corny, but it is what it is. Also, I can’t stand beign give the ‘once-over’ by family and I can’t imagien what it would be like to have other people in my life do the same. I can’t stand being on show.

While I do have my bad moments (read my previous post!), my weight loss surgery has given me back my life. I may not have lost a whole lot of weight (yet) but I am dealing with my issues, one issue at a time. One binge at a time. I can’t turn to food like I used to. I just can’t. I eat differently now. While I can still binge, its much slower. Its not as bad as it used to be. I can’t just decide to throw in the towel. I can’t just decide to walk away and give up. I am in this for life. So I do have bad moments and bad days. I do binge. But then I get on with it. I continue trying to do this once and for all. I get back on that treadmill and I go back to measuring my food.

That is why I love my band. There is no turning back.

So why am I still ashamed?