So, I am really very much absolutely struggling

21 May

And I don’t know what to do about it. I am the tightest I have been since first getting the band. I don’t know why since I haven’t had any new fills. I have to eat small bites very slowly, but still I am not losing weight.

I have been eating a lot. I dont know how its possible considering it takes me so long to eat anything. I seem to be spending a lot of time eating. I haven’t been exercising.

I have been avoiding blogging because of this. I want to come on here and say that I am doing really  well, losing weight etc. But its just not the truth.

I am feeling very discouraged. I am supposed to get another fill on the 31st of May, but I don’t think I will. hmmm I might get a tiny fill, maybe its what I need. But I am SCARED to see my doc. How will I explain my lack of weightloss? With honesty? How revolutionery.

Shit.

I have been shopping like crazy. I know that my weightloss is at a stand-still when I shop for clothes. I know when I have no motivation. Its just how my psyche works. Its like I know I won’t be in a smaller size, so I shop for now.

Funny thing though, I bought this dress in a size XS thinking that I could wear it in a few months, but it actually fit me perfectly. My mind is so fucked. This reverse body dysmorphia is fucking me up. Wish I could see myself for how I really am.

But still, no weight loss. I have not been losing. I am physically quite comfortable, but I wonder if I am tricking myself into thinking that I’m comfy, as a ‘survival’ mode. You know, so I’m not completely self-hating about the size of my body. Who knows.

Anyway. I am really very much absolutely struggling. And it’s giving me the fucking shits!

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4 Responses to “So, I am really very much absolutely struggling”

  1. Nikki May 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

    I totally understand where you are coming from, as I am going through the whole not losing thing. I don’t have a very good restriction yet, so I have another fill scheduled for May 29. I currently have 6.5 cc in a 10 cc band. This last fill I finally felt some restriction, but I definitely don’t think I’m in the “green zone” because I’m still able to eat pretty large portions, although I did initially have trouble with some types of food (Dry white chicken, rice, pretzels, bread) However, now I don’t have those problems any longer. Please do not give up. I’m sure you have heard it from just about everyone everywhere, but seriously…we didn’t put the weight on overnight, so it shouldn’t fall off that way either. I have heard that you should never be full or hungry, that you should simply eat your 1/2 to 1 cup of food and then stop. Don’t start eating again in a 1/2 hour just to finish a meal. I have been prone to do that. I really do wish you the best, and the dress is super cute by the way! We will do this! We just need to help each other and stay true to ourselves by updating the blogs regradless if we are doing good or bad. I was doing that same thing! Good luck mama! Hang in there!

    • Year2Band May 21, 2012 at 9:16 pm #

      Thank you Nikki! You are absolutely right, and I will take all of your advice on board. THat’s the thing I love most about the band: that giving up is NOT an optioin! I am so lucky to have people like you leave me comments like this. Support is everything, and without blogging, there is no support!

      ANd my doc did say it over and over: the ide is not to be full and not to be hungry. Its more about not being hungry after eating 1/2 a cup. Full stop. And this is where I stuff up!!! Its also proof that bandign your stomach is not banding your head!! If I was good at this self-discipline I wouldn’t have had surgery to start off with. However, there are things we need to do to work the band, and this is a very vital part of it. So I just have to do it.

      I feel like I’m rambling! hahaa thank you for your comment!

      • Nikki May 24, 2012 at 11:04 am #

        That’s right..get back in positive mode!!! Me too…I think my head has been mostly in it this week, but my portions are still much larger than they should be. To think that before this, I thought I didn’t have a portion control issue…lol..I think I have portion dysmorphic disease?!?!?! Anyway, I need to follow my own advice that I gave to you about not continuing to eat just cause its there…I do so well all week long and during the day, its the nights/weekends that get me. I also love my alcoholic concoctions so that often throws a wrench into things…but I will get there! And don’t worry about rambling..I think I’m the queen of that… 🙂 Strive for a better day today than yesterday…that’s all we can do!

  2. TheFauxBandit May 22, 2012 at 8:53 pm #

    Hey sugar, just thought I’d pop over and say hi! I’m sorry you’re having a rough go at it. 😦 If I can do -anything- at all, just let me know. I’m always willing to just listen to a venting session, as well. Sometimes we all just need a good couple of those.
    Wishing you the best of luck!

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