I used to be fat.

So, I am really very much absolutely struggling

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And I don’t know what to do about it. I am the tightest I have been since first getting the band. I don’t know why since I haven’t had any new fills. I have to eat small bites very slowly, but still I am not losing weight.

I have been eating a lot. I dont know how its possible considering it takes me so long to eat anything. I seem to be spending a lot of time eating. I haven’t been exercising.

I have been avoiding blogging because of this. I want to come on here and say that I am doing really  well, losing weight etc. But its just not the truth.

I am feeling very discouraged. I am supposed to get another fill on the 31st of May, but I don’t think I will. hmmm I might get a tiny fill, maybe its what I need. But I am SCARED to see my doc. How will I explain my lack of weightloss? With honesty? How revolutionery.

Shit.

I have been shopping like crazy. I know that my weightloss is at a stand-still when I shop for clothes. I know when I have no motivation. Its just how my psyche works. Its like I know I won’t be in a smaller size, so I shop for now.

Funny thing though, I bought this dress in a size XS thinking that I could wear it in a few months, but it actually fit me perfectly. My mind is so fucked. This reverse body dysmorphia is fucking me up. Wish I could see myself for how I really am.

But still, no weight loss. I have not been losing. I am physically quite comfortable, but I wonder if I am tricking myself into thinking that I’m comfy, as a ‘survival’ mode. You know, so I’m not completely self-hating about the size of my body. Who knows.

Anyway. I am really very much absolutely struggling. And it’s giving me the fucking shits!

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