Archive | July, 2012

109.3 (240.5lbs)

30 Jul

I have had good weightloss this week. However, I am so tight I got stuck on water last night.

It seems that I get stuck on just about everything lately. I wasn’t this tight last week, but then life got much more stressful, much more. I dread getting hungry because I don’t know what to eat. I had some chocolate today and I got stuck on that too.

I don’t know if I should wait it out, wait until the stress reduces, wait to see if I get a little looser. Or should I go an ask for a little un-fill?

Its getting so frustrating. I want to be able to eat at least the things that I need to. I can’t remember my last meal.

I would be lying if I didn’t say that I kind of sort of like it just a tiny bit. I like seeing my weight come down. But not being able to eat! Damn, it does my head in! Ive noticed that I have stopped eating out because my options have become so little. I end up coming home, having a coffee to get rid of the hunger. I might have a soup or something, but that’s it.

Also, with my stress! My life is in upheavel at the moment. And at times like this I usually eat. Its been SO hard, but I understand now why I have the band. I have tried doing things other than eating for the stress (because I literally cannot eat), and I’m hoping that eventually it’ll become second nature to me. Maybe I won’t have to be so tight to not eat.

I have been journaling like never before. I have been reading and going for walks. Working. Studying. And its ok. For the first time last night I was able to feel my emotions, and not stuff them with food. I just sat the emotion out. I didn’t try and distract myself. My anger and hurt and pain was all there. And I let it be. It wasn’t easy and I lost sleep and cried an ocean of tears (woe is me!). But it was ok. The world didn’t end (even though I wanted it to).

I know that my issues are never-ending. I am not going to wake up one day free of all my negativity and bullshit. I am not going to wake up freed of my eating disorder. I am not going to wake up free. I’m just not. I can wish for these as much as I want. But the reality is that not even weight loss surgery can fix what goes on in my head. And that’s ok.

I have been reading many blogs lately where many bandsters find themselves gaining their weight back. I get it, you know. Its so hard. The more time goes on, the harder it seems to get for many people. But I have noticed that those who go into the surgery with their main aim being just to lose weight, the weightloss tends not to last so long. But those who explore why they are overweight to start with, explore it and aim to fix their lives, seem to do better.

This is not easy. But I am glad my banding surgery got me thinking about my whole life. I have let myself get, and be, fat for many reason. Reasons that I now know. I am now working on freeing myself from these reasons.  My past doesn’t have to predict my furture if I don’t let it.

And I refuse to let it.

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110.5kg! (243.1lbs)

15 Jul

I know we shouldn’t weigh mid-weighing-week. I know i know!! But!! 110.5!!

I never thought it possible!

Five Things Friday

13 Jul
  1. I weighed an even 111kg this morning. That brings my total to 20kg lost!! (That;s 44lbs!!!)
  2. I hate housework
  3. I am due for my period and feel like eating EVERYTHING and anything. ugh
  4. I have not planned anything for lunch today and have no idea what I am going to eat. This is bad news because it usually means I eat something that I am not meant to
  5. I can’t wait for the day that I come here to blog about losing 30kg. 🙂

The Western Sydney Bandits!

11 Jul

I crated a new Facebook page which can be found here: http://www.facebook.com/groups/261653290614852/ .It is called The Western Sydney Bandits!

I attended a dinner hosted by my Surgeon’s office, and we all thought it was a great idea to start a support group. If you live in Western Sydney and would like to be a part of that group, visit the page and ask to be joined. You must have a facebook account and be logged in to see the page.

This FB page will be a way to meet up with other Bandits in the area and I can’t wait to have more participants!

🙂

Five Things Friday

6 Jul

1. I saw my Psychologist today. She is wonderful and it felt great. Can’t wait to see her again.

2. My feet have lost weight! Flats that were too tight a month ago (couldn’t even wear them!) are a little loose today. My toes appear slimmer too.

3. I used to eat Weight Watchers dinners in the past before the band. I always complained that they were too small and left me still feeling hungry. Today, I ate a 3rd of a meal, and felt stuffed!

4. I found brand new Convers All Star lace-ups at the thrift store for $2.50! And, they are pink!!

5. I can’t bring myself to drink water as the weather is just too cold. I have been drinking tea though, but not enough to get in my water count.

Have a great weekend!

:-)

2 Jul

Starting Weight: 131kg (288.2 lbs)

Current Weight: 111.3 (244.9 lbs)

That’s a total of 19.7kg! (43.3 lbs) 🙂

While the numbers make me happy, why do I feel more insecure? Suddenly, out of no where, I worry about how I look. When I was bigger, it was kind of like I acceoted that I was fat and disgusting and wore whatever and didn’t care. Now, it takes me ages to get dressed. I feel like I look ok now, maybe more than just ok, and I want to wear the right thing. It’s doing my head in!! Anyone else have this problem?

The other day I got told that I no longer look obese, just overweight. Yep. FUCK YOU for saying that. Not what I wanted to hear. Ever heard of being a little nice? Maybe say something like, “You’re looking good”? Fuck you.

Negativity aside, I’ve nearly lost 20kg now!!!!! 🙂