I used to be fat.

109.3 (240.5lbs)

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I have had good weightloss this week. However, I am so tight I got stuck on water last night.

It seems that I get stuck on just about everything lately. I wasn’t this tight last week, but then life got much more stressful, much more. I dread getting hungry because I don’t know what to eat. I had some chocolate today and I got stuck on that too.

I don’t know if I should wait it out, wait until the stress reduces, wait to see if I get a little looser. Or should I go an ask for a little un-fill?

Its getting so frustrating. I want to be able to eat at least the things that I need to. I can’t remember my last meal.

I would be lying if I didn’t say that I kind of sort of like it just a tiny bit. I like seeing my weight come down. But not being able to eat! Damn, it does my head in! Ive noticed that I have stopped eating out because my options have become so little. I end up coming home, having a coffee to get rid of the hunger. I might have a soup or something, but that’s it.

Also, with my stress! My life is in upheavel at the moment. And at times like this I usually eat. Its been SO hard, but I understand now why I have the band. I have tried doing things other than eating for the stress (because I literally cannot eat), and I’m hoping that eventually it’ll become second nature to me. Maybe I won’t have to be so tight to not eat.

I have been journaling like never before. I have been reading and going for walks. Working. Studying. And its ok. For the first time last night I was able to feel my emotions, and not stuff them with food. I just sat the emotion out. I didn’t try and distract myself. My anger and hurt and pain was all there. And I let it be. It wasn’t easy and I lost sleep and cried an ocean of tears (woe is me!). But it was ok. The world didn’t end (even though I wanted it to).

I know that my issues are never-ending. I am not going to wake up one day free of all my negativity and bullshit. I am not going to wake up freed of my eating disorder. I am not going to wake up free. I’m just not. I can wish for these as much as I want. But the reality is that not even weight loss surgery can fix what goes on in my head. And that’s ok.

I have been reading many blogs lately where many bandsters find themselves gaining their weight back. I get it, you know. Its so hard. The more time goes on, the harder it seems to get for many people. But I have noticed that those who go into the surgery with their main aim being just to lose weight, the weightloss tends not to last so long. But those who explore why they are overweight to start with, explore it and aim to fix their lives, seem to do better.

This is not easy. But I am glad my banding surgery got me thinking about my whole life. I have let myself get, and be, fat for many reason. Reasons that I now know. I am now working on freeing myself from these reasons.  My past doesn’t have to predict my furture if I don’t let it.

And I refuse to let it.

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