Archive | December, 2012

Why I have not been blogging

30 Dec

When I first started this blog, I wrote entirely for me. I didn’t bother with photo’s or niceties. I just wrote. And I enjoyed it very much. I was able to be as honest as I wanted to be. I wrote exactly what I was thinking.

Then I lost my way. I started writing to … I don’t really know. I wanted to impress. I wanted to prove how well I was doing. I started posting pictures, and stopped being entirely honest.

Well enough of that crap. I just want somewhere I can go where I can be totally honest and not care what judgments are made. I don’t want you to know who I am. I don’t want to post my photo. I want to be anonymous. It helps me to be honest. I don’t have to worry who is going to be reading.

My only New Year’s resolution for 2013 is going to be to write with honesty. It will help me. I know it. I owe it to myself.

No photo’s. No pretense. Some days i wll be pissed. Some days I will be happy. Some days I will be depressed. And I like it that way. I don’t have to pretend to be happy all the time. Or pretend that I am entirely sane …

I don’t have to pretend that I’m a perfect bandster.

I have spent the past 2 weeks eating:

baklava, timtams, burgers, fries, chocolate, lollies, icecream (lots of it), cheese, and bread. I get stuck, I PB, and then I get back to the food like its no ones business.

I don’t even know why. Well, not entirely. I feel emotionally unstable. There have been problems with my husband. It’s the school holidays!! I am trying not to spend money as much as I have been, so I have been at home, a lot. With the fridge. And pantry.

But, surprisingly, I’m ok with it. I have asked myself that maybe thats the problem? That I’m ok with it? But I know that in the past I would beat myself up about it all. But I’m not now. 1kg gain is not the end of the fucking world. It’s like I am trying to … soothe myself. And it’s working. I know that without the gym going, I would have gained much more. But it’s why people exercise isn’t it? To help balance things out?

Having the lapband doesn’t solve everything. There are days where I hate the band. Days that I love it. Days that I feel nothing toward it but that it was/is necessary, like any sort of medication one might take for an ailment. Today I hate it because the yoga I did yesterday has made the port sight terribly painful. The port pokes out now, and any bending or laying on stomach or sides, hurts like hell. I feel down about it. It makes me feel regret over NEEDING the band. Why can’t I be normal and not worry about the port? But its only a momentary thought.

Anyway.

Happy New Year 🙂

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2012: What it was, and what it wasn’t

30 Dec

I can’t believe a whole year has  gone by, just like that. I can’t believe that I lost 30+ kgs.

3 weeks ago I joined the gym, and have been going 3 to 4 times a week. It makes me feel good and it’s ‘me’ time away from, well, everything. I NEVER thought I would ever enjoy the gym.

I can now reach my toes. I can even paint them. I spent a good 3+ years unable to reach my own toes.

I can jump. I can sit cross-legged comfortably. I can sit on the floor. And get up.

I can swim for hours, then come out of the pool full of energy, rather than barely being able to fall asleep.

I can sleep. Very well too.

I wear t-shirts now. Without a worry about how my arms look. I don’t cover them to below my elbow. I don’t have a need to cover my back rolls, because they have reduced considerably.

I love showing my legs. I have no issue with it actually. Regardless of how they appear. The weight loss for me is much more than about the weight loss. Its about the confidence that comes with it. That’s what it has been about for me.

I no longer wear plus sizes. It was a bitter sweet moment for me when I realised that City Chic could no longer cater for me. I have loved that store for a very long time. It has been there for me and has allowed me a sense of pride, when pride was no where to be seen.

I can wax and shave bits that i haven’t seen in a very long time. The simplest things. That’s what its about.

What 2012 wasn’t? Losing weight doesn’t make you happier. Really. It doesn’t fix your broken relationships, it doesn’t make you smarter, it doesn’t make you nicer. Losing weight doesn’t change who you are or your surroundings. It makes life easier. Much easier. But you remain who you are. Which for many people is a good thing. But for many other people? Well, we had hoped that weightloss would make us more patient, more accepting, more loving. We thought that weightloss would fix our marriage. We hoped that weight loss would make us better people.

What we didn’t realise is that we are good people. Being fat doesn’t make us horrible. We are still loving and caring. Fat or thin, you will still fight with your husband.

I go into 2013 knowing I will not gain weight, but losing weight? I don’t think it matters to me anymore. I have re-gained my dignity. And I think that was my aim all along, even though I didn’t really know it. Losing weight gave me room to stop blaming myself and my weight and my fatness on all the wrong in my life. It is not my fat’s fault that my husband and I don’t get along. It is not my fat’s fault that I fail at my job. It is not my fat’s fault. It just isn’t.

And anybody who wants to lose weight because they think it will fix their life? Don’t. DO it for you. Do it because it’s what you want.

Do it because you miss your dignity.

I don’t know what 2013 will be. And it doesn’t even matter.

I am strong. And confident.

I am ready.