2012: What it was, and what it wasn’t

30 Dec

I can’t believe a whole year has  gone by, just like that. I can’t believe that I lost 30+ kgs.

3 weeks ago I joined the gym, and have been going 3 to 4 times a week. It makes me feel good and it’s ‘me’ time away from, well, everything. I NEVER thought I would ever enjoy the gym.

I can now reach my toes. I can even paint them. I spent a good 3+ years unable to reach my own toes.

I can jump. I can sit cross-legged comfortably. I can sit on the floor. And get up.

I can swim for hours, then come out of the pool full of energy, rather than barely being able to fall asleep.

I can sleep. Very well too.

I wear t-shirts now. Without a worry about how my arms look. I don’t cover them to below my elbow. I don’t have a need to cover my back rolls, because they have reduced considerably.

I love showing my legs. I have no issue with it actually. Regardless of how they appear. The weight loss for me is much more than about the weight loss. Its about the confidence that comes with it. That’s what it has been about for me.

I no longer wear plus sizes. It was a bitter sweet moment for me when I realised that City Chic could no longer cater for me. I have loved that store for a very long time. It has been there for me and has allowed me a sense of pride, when pride was no where to be seen.

I can wax and shave bits that i haven’t seen in a very long time. The simplest things. That’s what its about.

What 2012 wasn’t? Losing weight doesn’t make you happier. Really. It doesn’t fix your broken relationships, it doesn’t make you smarter, it doesn’t make you nicer. Losing weight doesn’t change who you are or your surroundings. It makes life easier. Much easier. But you remain who you are. Which for many people is a good thing. But for many other people? Well, we had hoped that weightloss would make us more patient, more accepting, more loving. We thought that weightloss would fix our marriage. We hoped that weight loss would make us better people.

What we didn’t realise is that we are good people. Being fat doesn’t make us horrible. We are still loving and caring. Fat or thin, you will still fight with your husband.

I go into 2013 knowing I will not gain weight, but losing weight? I don’t think it matters to me anymore. I have re-gained my dignity. And I think that was my aim all along, even though I didn’t really know it. Losing weight gave me room to stop blaming myself and my weight and my fatness on all the wrong in my life. It is not my fat’s fault that my husband and I don’t get along. It is not my fat’s fault that I fail at my job. It is not my fat’s fault. It just isn’t.

And anybody who wants to lose weight because they think it will fix their life? Don’t. DO it for you. Do it because it’s what you want.

Do it because you miss your dignity.

I don’t know what 2013 will be. And it doesn’t even matter.

I am strong. And confident.

I am ready.


One Response to “2012: What it was, and what it wasn’t”

  1. Michelle December 31, 2012 at 11:54 am #

    Lets get this done! Thanks for the post

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