Why I have not been blogging

30 Dec

When I first started this blog, I wrote entirely for me. I didn’t bother with photo’s or niceties. I just wrote. And I enjoyed it very much. I was able to be as honest as I wanted to be. I wrote exactly what I was thinking.

Then I lost my way. I started writing to … I don’t really know. I wanted to impress. I wanted to prove how well I was doing. I started posting pictures, and stopped being entirely honest.

Well enough of that crap. I just want somewhere I can go where I can be totally honest and not care what judgments are made. I don’t want you to know who I am. I don’t want to post my photo. I want to be anonymous. It helps me to be honest. I don’t have to worry who is going to be reading.

My only New Year’s resolution for 2013 is going to be to write with honesty. It will help me. I know it. I owe it to myself.

No photo’s. No pretense. Some days i wll be pissed. Some days I will be happy. Some days I will be depressed. And I like it that way. I don’t have to pretend to be happy all the time. Or pretend that I am entirely sane …

I don’t have to pretend that I’m a perfect bandster.

I have spent the past 2 weeks eating:

baklava, timtams, burgers, fries, chocolate, lollies, icecream (lots of it), cheese, and bread. I get stuck, I PB, and then I get back to the food like its no ones business.

I don’t even know why. Well, not entirely. I feel emotionally unstable. There have been problems with my husband. It’s the school holidays!! I am trying not to spend money as much as I have been, so I have been at home, a lot. With the fridge. And pantry.

But, surprisingly, I’m ok with it. I have asked myself that maybe thats the problem? That I’m ok with it? But I know that in the past I would beat myself up about it all. But I’m not now. 1kg gain is not the end of the fucking world. It’s like I am trying to … soothe myself. And it’s working. I know that without the gym going, I would have gained much more. But it’s why people exercise isn’t it? To help balance things out?

Having the lapband doesn’t solve everything. There are days where I hate the band. Days that I love it. Days that I feel nothing toward it but that it was/is necessary, like any sort of medication one might take for an ailment. Today I hate it because the yoga I did yesterday has made the port sight terribly painful. The port pokes out now, and any bending or laying on stomach or sides, hurts like hell. I feel down about it. It makes me feel regret over NEEDING the band. Why can’t I be normal and not worry about the port? But its only a momentary thought.


Happy New Year 🙂


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