Why I have not been blogging

30 Dec

When I first started this blog, I wrote entirely for me. I didn’t bother with photo’s or niceties. I just wrote. And I enjoyed it very much. I was able to be as honest as I wanted to be. I wrote exactly what I was thinking.

Then I lost my way. I started writing to … I don’t really know. I wanted to impress. I wanted to prove how well I was doing. I started posting pictures, and stopped being entirely honest.

Well enough of that crap. I just want somewhere I can go where I can be totally honest and not care what judgments are made. I don’t want you to know who I am. I don’t want to post my photo. I want to be anonymous. It helps me to be honest. I don’t have to worry who is going to be reading.

My only New Year’s resolution for 2013 is going to be to write with honesty. It will help me. I know it. I owe it to myself.

No photo’s. No pretense. Some days i wll be pissed. Some days I will be happy. Some days I will be depressed. And I like it that way. I don’t have to pretend to be happy all the time. Or pretend that I am entirely sane …

I don’t have to pretend that I’m a perfect bandster.

I have spent the past 2 weeks eating:

baklava, timtams, burgers, fries, chocolate, lollies, icecream (lots of it), cheese, and bread. I get stuck, I PB, and then I get back to the food like its no ones business.

I don’t even know why. Well, not entirely. I feel emotionally unstable. There have been problems with my husband. It’s the school holidays!! I am trying not to spend money as much as I have been, so I have been at home, a lot. With the fridge. And pantry.

But, surprisingly, I’m ok with it. I have asked myself that maybe thats the problem? That I’m ok with it? But I know that in the past I would beat myself up about it all. But I’m not now. 1kg gain is not the end of the fucking world. It’s like I am trying to … soothe myself. And it’s working. I know that without the gym going, I would have gained much more. But it’s why people exercise isn’t it? To help balance things out?

Having the lapband doesn’t solve everything. There are days where I hate the band. Days that I love it. Days that I feel nothing toward it but that it was/is necessary, like any sort of medication one might take for an ailment. Today I hate it because the yoga I did yesterday has made the port sight terribly painful. The port pokes out now, and any bending or laying on stomach or sides, hurts like hell. I feel down about it. It makes me feel regret over NEEDING the band. Why can’t I be normal and not worry about the port? But its only a momentary thought.

Anyway.

Happy New Year 🙂

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2012: What it was, and what it wasn’t

30 Dec

I can’t believe a whole year has  gone by, just like that. I can’t believe that I lost 30+ kgs.

3 weeks ago I joined the gym, and have been going 3 to 4 times a week. It makes me feel good and it’s ‘me’ time away from, well, everything. I NEVER thought I would ever enjoy the gym.

I can now reach my toes. I can even paint them. I spent a good 3+ years unable to reach my own toes.

I can jump. I can sit cross-legged comfortably. I can sit on the floor. And get up.

I can swim for hours, then come out of the pool full of energy, rather than barely being able to fall asleep.

I can sleep. Very well too.

I wear t-shirts now. Without a worry about how my arms look. I don’t cover them to below my elbow. I don’t have a need to cover my back rolls, because they have reduced considerably.

I love showing my legs. I have no issue with it actually. Regardless of how they appear. The weight loss for me is much more than about the weight loss. Its about the confidence that comes with it. That’s what it has been about for me.

I no longer wear plus sizes. It was a bitter sweet moment for me when I realised that City Chic could no longer cater for me. I have loved that store for a very long time. It has been there for me and has allowed me a sense of pride, when pride was no where to be seen.

I can wax and shave bits that i haven’t seen in a very long time. The simplest things. That’s what its about.

What 2012 wasn’t? Losing weight doesn’t make you happier. Really. It doesn’t fix your broken relationships, it doesn’t make you smarter, it doesn’t make you nicer. Losing weight doesn’t change who you are or your surroundings. It makes life easier. Much easier. But you remain who you are. Which for many people is a good thing. But for many other people? Well, we had hoped that weightloss would make us more patient, more accepting, more loving. We thought that weightloss would fix our marriage. We hoped that weight loss would make us better people.

What we didn’t realise is that we are good people. Being fat doesn’t make us horrible. We are still loving and caring. Fat or thin, you will still fight with your husband.

I go into 2013 knowing I will not gain weight, but losing weight? I don’t think it matters to me anymore. I have re-gained my dignity. And I think that was my aim all along, even though I didn’t really know it. Losing weight gave me room to stop blaming myself and my weight and my fatness on all the wrong in my life. It is not my fat’s fault that my husband and I don’t get along. It is not my fat’s fault that I fail at my job. It is not my fat’s fault. It just isn’t.

And anybody who wants to lose weight because they think it will fix their life? Don’t. DO it for you. Do it because it’s what you want.

Do it because you miss your dignity.

I don’t know what 2013 will be. And it doesn’t even matter.

I am strong. And confident.

I am ready.

I’m Back!

9 Nov

Starting Weight: 131kg

Current Weight: 101.3kg

 

We had the best time! I can’t believe it’s all over already. It feels like I never left actually.

My band was so tight the whole time away. I PB’d after nearly every meal. I barely ate. Except that one day when I was able to eat a very large serving of spaghetti bolognese. Felt so sick afterwards. Lost a fair bit of weight though. Nearly into double digits. I am down to 101.3kg now. While away I did see 98kg for about 5 minutes.

We arrived on Thursday morning, and by 2pm I was at my surgeons office. I got stuck on water and figured that it was time for an unfill. I had suffered for a good 5 weeks and just couldnt take it anymore. I was havign reflux and heartburn and it was just not so good.

I now have a total of 1ml out of my band bringing me to a total of 8.5mls now. The doc recommends I rest for a month, and then slowly build my way back up again. Sure Im scared, but I know that I can still not eat everything I want.

I had so many firsts on this strip and can’t wait to be back with some pics!!

🙂

Where have I been?

19 Sep

losing weight!

I am currently using my new iPad, and thought a new blog post would go down nicely!

Only 9 days to go now! I was speaking to hubby about how I wanted to be smaller for our trip, and he set me straight. I didn’t get the surgery just for this trip. And it doesn’t matter how long it takes me to get to goal, losing and maintaining are the important things. And that it doesn’t matter what anyone has to say, my weightless is not for them.

How awesome is my husband?

I am now at 9.5mls in my band. It is very tight, but I can eat whatever I want as long as I chew well, and eat slowly with small bites. Isn’t that what the band is about anyway? I’m hardly ever hungry and I LOVE it.

As soon as we get back from our trip, I am going to do personal training. The loose skin is posing to be a problem. While my weightloss has not been major, 26kg has caused some Wobblies in my arms, my boobs (ugh) and my stomach. It really does put me off weightless. I felt much sexier when I was bigger. Right now I feel more like a granny ( not that being a granny is bad, but I’m still young, people!).

Anyway, I have a final exam to do by next Friday, and we are leaving next Friday! I did all the packing last night just to get it out of the way, but of course thereis always something more to pack. 6 weeks is a long time to be ways for!

See you soon my lovelies!

 

106.5kg

9 Sep

🙂 20 days to go!!!

Goal of 100 Posts Completed. Congratulations!

9 Aug

🙂

Its an omen! I can feel it!!

 

108.9kg (239.6lbs)

9 Aug

Another loss 🙂

Ive been sick again this week, and eating a lot! I haven’t eaten like this in ages. I didn’t end up having an unfill, but woke up one day and decided to not stress so much over everything. What will be, will be, whether I stress or not. And guess what? It took a couple of days but it worked like a charm. Of course I need to eat slow, and chew well, but I haven’t been stuck. Its great!

I say I am eating a lot, but that is coming from a place of hardly eating at all. When I think back on what I have consumed for the day, its no where near eating a lot! I have been eating lots of chocolate though, which is evident in my *small*weightloss. Its that time of the month again!! Chocolate makes me happy!! 🙂

Our trip to Paris is nearly here! Just under 8 weeks to go now. I am excited but petrified. My goal is to be 100kg (220lbs) by then, but I know that I wanted to be smaller. While travelling at 100kg is going to be much easier than travelling at 131kg, I can’t help but feel like I wanted to be under 100kg for my first ever (maybe my last) trip to Paris. I feel a little disappointed. But I need to stop thinking like this! It will only set me back, I know it!

I weigh 108.9kg, and I am so happy with that number. It is a breakthrough for me. I have attempted weightloss in the past, and never got past 117kg. So to be where I am is wonderful and I should be proud.

I am proud. I have done well. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

🙂